YOUR LOLA LIFELINE!

THE COLUMN THAT GIVES YOU, DEAR READERS, LOLA POWER!
Well, dear readers, it’s the first Wednesday of the month and that can only mean one thing: YOUR LOLA LIFELINE! And my postbag is full to bursting with queries and dilemmas from so many of you! And, as usual, I’ve picked out the most urgent and pressing in order to pass on my profound thoughts!

First up, a query from my puppy-nephew, Alfie (below).


1. And so back to Alfie whom my dear regular readers will recognize from my earlier post of JUNE 16 when I had a long chat with him about his future.

Alfie’s ambition, you will recall, is to leave an indelible mark on society, something that will go down in history. He wants to grow up to become a crook. But not a minor league crook, you understand. But rather a real HOODLUM! He turned down all my earlier career suggestions (mugger of old people, bag snatcher, cowboy roof builder, hedge fund trainee, call centre robot, working for a Chinese Triad) before jumping at the final one. To become a Member of Parliament, The British Parliament (below).

Now, however, having had some time to reflect on his decision, he’s concerned he won’t be able to achieve his ambition of attaining rock star, iconic status as a crook because of the damage to their reputation wrought by British MPs over their expenses scandals. In other words, Alfie is concerned he’ll just be ignored ("dissed" in Alfie’s words - he watches too much television) and all the new, ingenious crimes and scams he’s planning will simply go unrecognized, underestimated and undervalued by a disgusted and indifferent public.

Dear Alfie,
You really have NOTHING to fear since, to make a really noticeable and lasting impact on society (which is your stated aim), you only need to convince a relatively small number of people of your criminal talent as a conman. After all, it was former President, George W Bush (above) who merrily quipped "You can fool some of the people all the time and THOSE are precisely the ones you need to concentrate on!" And George Orwell (below) who said "Political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable."

OK! Just checking you’re all still here and paying attention at the back of the class ...*wink*
So there, Alfie! Good luck and every success in your chosen career! You should go far, very far, young man!!

Dear readers, that’s my advice to Alfie. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for him?

And now another question from Sir Fred Goodwhine, Scotland (above):

2. Dear Lola,
I’ve read about so many celebrities jetting off this summer to some luxury resort in the South Pacific or the Maldives! And I’m SO envious! Because of the credit crunch I’ve lost my job and so, for the first time ever, won’t be going away this year. Am I wrong to be envious? Please advise.

Dear Sir Fred,
You should not feel in the least bit envious! There’s a myth that we’re somehow better off because of all the choice and luxury available now. But you don’t need all that! Why pay shedloads of cash just to sit on a bare floor in a barely furnished villa on some exclusive, lonely, faraway island? Where there’s no internet connection, no books, no communication, no blogpals, nada. All those posh resorts are doing is SIMULATING NATURE when, for a lot less, you can go out and get it for REAL! There’s nothing more beautiful than walking down an empty beach at sunset. And, in your straightened circumstances, Sir Fred, you’d be advised to choose that over 5-star luxury every time! (Incidentally, summer is the worst time to visit the Maldives - it’s the wet season!)

Dear readers, that’s my advice to Sir Fred. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for him?

And lastly, my dear readers, a letter from Suha who lives in Tower Hamlets, London.

3. Dear Lola,
I’ve just moved to the UK and would like my daughter to go to a particular, high-achieving faith school since she needs extra scholastic help and all our local schools are failing. However, we can’t afford to move into its catchment area nor can we pretend we live there at an accommodation address like the mother recently arrested for falsifying her daughter’s application. The school operates an entrance bursary but my daughter isn’t clever enough to win one. Is she doomed to the local sink school? What do you advise?

Dear Suha,
Yes, I see your dilemma. You can’t move nor can you use an accommodation address. Your only solution is for your daughter to gain access to the school through its bursary system. But she’ll fail, I hear you cry! Well, I’ve had a close look at the photo you enclosed of your daughter and yourself and two ‘sisters’ of such similar ages have I rarely seen! So off you go, take the entrance exam and good luck to your daughter at her new school!

And welcome, Suha, to modern Britain! A place where MPs and Peers of the Realm rob the public blind and walk away scot-free but where mothers who falsify a school application for the sake of their children’s education and future could face a year in prison. The public must envy ALI BABA, who had only 40 thieves! Perhaps Spielberg could even turn the whole sorry saga into a film SWINDLERS LIST?

Dear readers, that’s my advice to Suha. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for her?

Well, mes chers lecteurs, sadly that’s all we have time for today! But remember, if you have any problems or queries you’d like me to respond to (dealt with anonymously if preferred), don’t hesitate to let me know (or my useless PA, Nora) in the COMMENTS BOX BELOW! However weird, outlandish, insoluble it may seem, I’ll have an answer to that Desperate Dilemma of yours! So why hesitate any longer? Go on! Write to me, Agony Aunt to the Stars, in the comments box NOW! And remember, YOUR LOLA LIFELINE! - your lifeline to a saner, more harmonious, beauteous world. Just like mine in fact!

And now I’m going to creep back to my basket for my beauty sleep (yawn), but do help yourselves, my dear readers, to coffee and macaroons on your way out! Oh, and do please close that door quietly... still recovering from last weekend’s party hangover! Nora, where’s that double expresso I asked for hours ago? (snore)

XX LOL LOLA:)