August 5, 2009


Well, dear readers, it’s the first Wednesday of the month and that can only mean one thing: YOUR LOLA LIFELINE! And my postbag is full to bursting with queries and dilemmas from so many of you! And, as usual, I’ve picked out the most urgent and pressing in order to pass on my profound thoughts!

First up, a query from my puppy-nephew, Alfie (below).

1. And so back to Alfie whom my dear regular readers will recognize from my earlier post of JUNE 16 when I had a long chat with him about his future.

Alfie’s ambition, you will recall, is to leave an indelible mark on society, something that will go down in history. He wants to grow up to become a crook. But not a minor league crook, you understand. But rather a real HOODLUM! He turned down all my earlier career suggestions (mugger of old people, bag snatcher, cowboy roof builder, hedge fund trainee, call centre robot, working for a Chinese Triad) before jumping at the final one. To become a Member of Parliament, The British Parliament (below).

Now, however, having had some time to reflect on his decision, he’s concerned he won’t be able to achieve his ambition of attaining rock star, iconic status as a crook because of the damage to their reputation wrought by British MPs over their expenses scandals. In other words, Alfie is concerned he’ll just be ignored ("dissed" in Alfie’s words - he watches too much television) and all the new, ingenious crimes and scams he’s planning will simply go unrecognized, underestimated and undervalued by a disgusted and indifferent public.

Dear Alfie,
You really have NOTHING to fear since, to make a really noticeable and lasting impact on society (which is your stated aim), you only need to convince a relatively small number of people of your criminal talent as a conman. After all, it was former President, George W Bush (above) who merrily quipped "You can fool some of the people all the time and THOSE are precisely the ones you need to concentrate on!" And George Orwell (below) who said "Political language is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable."

OK! Just checking you’re all still here and paying attention at the back of the class ...*wink*
So there, Alfie! Good luck and every success in your chosen career! You should go far, very far, young man!!

Dear readers, that’s my advice to Alfie. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for him?

And now another question from Sir Fred Goodwhine, Scotland (above):

2. Dear Lola,
I’ve read about so many celebrities jetting off this summer to some luxury resort in the South Pacific or the Maldives! And I’m SO envious! Because of the credit crunch I’ve lost my job and so, for the first time ever, won’t be going away this year. Am I wrong to be envious? Please advise.

Dear Sir Fred,
You should not feel in the least bit envious! There’s a myth that we’re somehow better off because of all the choice and luxury available now. But you don’t need all that! Why pay shedloads of cash just to sit on a bare floor in a barely furnished villa on some exclusive, lonely, faraway island? Where there’s no internet connection, no books, no communication, no blogpals, nada. All those posh resorts are doing is SIMULATING NATURE when, for a lot less, you can go out and get it for REAL! There’s nothing more beautiful than walking down an empty beach at sunset. And, in your straightened circumstances, Sir Fred, you’d be advised to choose that over 5-star luxury every time! (Incidentally, summer is the worst time to visit the Maldives - it’s the wet season!)

Dear readers, that’s my advice to Sir Fred. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for him?

And lastly, my dear readers, a letter from Suha who lives in Tower Hamlets, London.

3. Dear Lola,
I’ve just moved to the UK and would like my daughter to go to a particular, high-achieving faith school since she needs extra scholastic help and all our local schools are failing. However, we can’t afford to move into its catchment area nor can we pretend we live there at an accommodation address like the mother recently arrested for falsifying her daughter’s application. The school operates an entrance bursary but my daughter isn’t clever enough to win one. Is she doomed to the local sink school? What do you advise?

Dear Suha,
Yes, I see your dilemma. You can’t move nor can you use an accommodation address. Your only solution is for your daughter to gain access to the school through its bursary system. But she’ll fail, I hear you cry! Well, I’ve had a close look at the photo you enclosed of your daughter and yourself and two ‘sisters’ of such similar ages have I rarely seen! So off you go, take the entrance exam and good luck to your daughter at her new school!

And welcome, Suha, to modern Britain! A place where MPs and Peers of the Realm rob the public blind and walk away scot-free but where mothers who falsify a school application for the sake of their children’s education and future could face a year in prison. The public must envy ALI BABA, who had only 40 thieves! Perhaps Spielberg could even turn the whole sorry saga into a film SWINDLERS LIST?

Dear readers, that’s my advice to Suha. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for her?

Well, mes chers lecteurs, sadly that’s all we have time for today! But remember, if you have any problems or queries you’d like me to respond to (dealt with anonymously if preferred), don’t hesitate to let me know (or my useless PA, Nora) in the COMMENTS BOX BELOW! However weird, outlandish, insoluble it may seem, I’ll have an answer to that Desperate Dilemma of yours! So why hesitate any longer? Go on! Write to me, Agony Aunt to the Stars, in the comments box NOW! And remember, YOUR LOLA LIFELINE! - your lifeline to a saner, more harmonious, beauteous world. Just like mine in fact!

And now I’m going to creep back to my basket for my beauty sleep (yawn), but do help yourselves, my dear readers, to coffee and macaroons on your way out! Oh, and do please close that door quietly... still recovering from last weekend’s party hangover! Nora, where’s that double expresso I asked for hours ago? (snore)



Heavenly Housewife said...

Ooooh its Laduree! Is it horrid that I know their china??? Super advice as always daaaahling! I didn't know that George Bush said that, thats so funny, will tell hubby, he will find it very amusing. Hubby reminds me alot of Alfie. Both have delusions of grandeur and both are very naughty. Thats why we love them i guess.
Love HH

Dustjacket Attic said...

Oh I agree Lola, I wouldn't dare do otherwise. Alfie's mum is looking worn out, I can see why. His brother looks like he's livin' large, probably up to no good like Alfie.

psst love the pic of Christian, he's usually acting too serious to do hot shots, he must have forgot himself for a moment. lol

Slices of Beauty... said...

Ha ha delightful and fun, thanks for making me smile!
Love Alfie and his Aunt's lovely writing style.

Please join me on my tea break!

Lola said...

That was a fun and informational, pure edutainment!


Heavenly Housewife said...

Hubby doesnt have a harley but he has more than a passing interest in super cars. Perhaps we should set up a play date :)

laterg8r said...

excellent advice all around - bravo!!


you are such a darling!
This post sure brought some smiles...
Thanks for becoming a member, adore your profile photo darling!


My Big Mouth said...

Hi Lola!
Thanks for your encouraging words on my blog.
Alphie made me giggle,but on that same note,I am sad to hear of his career choice.
Hopefully it is just a phase and he will out grow it!

MissRedLips said...

well hello alfie! you're a cutie too!
i just love your hat and glasses!

your blog always brings o the giggles! have a wonderful day hun!

down and out chic said...

your dog has to be one of the cutest little pups i've seen in a long time!


charming, dahhhling!!!! absolutely charming!!!!!

Tracey said...

Oh Lola,, thank you for a wonderful's been a tough day and I really needed to have a smile this afternoon. I think Alfie can make it as a big leaguer.. he just needs to put his best paw forward. Hugs and squeezes to you for the smile you put on my face!

Mz. Spider said...

Thank you both so very much for the well wishes. I'll be back to visit soon. It's 5:30 & time to clock out. Whoo-Hoo!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness, that Alfie is too cute for words!!!

Draffin Bears said...

Wonderful and fun post Lola.
Alfie is very cute, love the glasses and Harley hat.
Great advice too.

Many thanks for visiting my blog and your kind words


Jessica Cangiano said...

Another sparklingly bright post, my wise puppy dear! I seriously think should sashay your way into the television market with our own talk show! :D

Thank you (both!) as always, precious gals, for your awesomely wonderful comments - and for adding so much sagely wisdom to this world.

Scores of hugs,
♥ Jessica

Anonymous said...

The picture of your dog is just tooo cute!

Selba said...

Awww... Alfie looks so cute and cool with his outfit!

londongirl said...

Another wonderful post!your blog always brings on a fit of giggles-thanks for making my day!what we need is lola EVERY day! lots of hugs

Iva said...

LOLA is fabulously adorable! this post is making me smile! :) Have a great day! ....both you and Lola!

Tessa said...

Alas, unlike G. Orwell, I don't understand political language at all. It's all just too, too ghastly. They may as well be speaking in Urdu, frankly. Actually, I rather wish they would - at least we'd learn something useful from another language. Sadly, however, I have the distinct feeling that it's not Urdu which pours from that rapidly moving orifice under their noses. I think, Alfie dear chap, that it might just be gobble-di-gook, y'know?

BRILLIANT post Lola and Alfie...thank you for making me giggle wildly!

JennyMac said...

ALFIE!! You are simply too cool for words. :)

daylily777 said...

Very funny, very delightful idea to let Lola do the talking. Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving the sweet comment.

Holly Loves Art said...

What a fun post! Alfie is so smart and fabulous! ha ha... What's it all about, Alfie? I sing this song to Albie, except changing the name obviously.

I loved seeing all the Bichon relatives on your sidebar. Albie felt a little jelous!

Have a wonderful day.


Toothfairynotes said...

nice post again lola! and alfie it's nice to hear you too! haha!

*loves* woofwoof

Elise said...

Hello - what a fabulous post. Lola power ! Loving your blog - thanks

JamaGenie said...

Oh! Alfie is soooo adorable! He shouldn't have to turn to a life of crime - he can just become a film star!

And how odd that you should mention the Maldives. I was looking at photos of several atolls there for *hours* yesterday. Good thing the Lear is out for maintenance, otherwise I'd be tempted to jet off and land smack in the middle of the rainy season. (Which wouldn't be a bad thing at all if the luscious lad with the luscious abs in the photo were going along...)

Have a great week!

Karen said...

Hi, Finally made it over! Now that I have found out that they have YFI at the club I can work from there ;) I will have to come back and take the time to read more :)

Karen B.

Karyn - (French Charming) said...

Oh Lola, you are so very clever and wise! You had me hanging on every word!! Always such a joy to visit with you and Nora and keep up the great work. I'm trying to decide which of my many "issues" I should seek your help with. I'll have to ponder that and let you know. Thanks for the coffee and macaroons!!



Your post always makes me smile darling! Have a fabulous weekend~


Anonymous said...

ooohh so so funny! i howled (sorry Alfie) with laughter, and loved loved loved the post below-congrats to dustjacket, i totally agree, that place definitely does a lovely service to blogland-why i wouldnt leave home without being heavily influenced by that day's bevy of gorgeous shots!
Ahem. I digress.
If alfie wants to steal the scene from other ne'er do wells, i think all he really has to do is pull of the heist-- and then sell the rights to the story to lifetime or spielberg. if he could squeeze out 8 puppies, that'd be good too.
The other two, you were totally spot on.
xoxoxoxo Rhonda roo

Nora Johnson said...

Thanks so much everyone for your great comments - I’m sure Alfie will put his best paw forward but let’s hope (for all our sakes) it’s a phase he’ll grow out of!

Thanks to those visiting - I believe I've been over to everyone’s place. xx


Melissa said...

Dear Lola,

How did you get to be ever so smart?

I stand in awe.


a corgi said...

hi; thanks for visiting our journal (a corgi in So. Calif). What a cute journal you have; full of lots of good advice, especially for Alfie, as well as great pictures and images; what a talented dog you truly are! best of luck to you in your blogging adventures!


Duchess of Tea said...

Hello Dame & Damette, I just wanted to stop by and see how my two favorites Dames were doing, I miised you and your comments, I am glad I'm back. I will be back later to read your post.

Duchess xx

Amanda said...

Dear Lola
What amazing wisdom you have, and please don't think me rude, but I have not laughed so loudly in some time at your very very entertaining column! I am so pleased that I discovered your blog, and will be back!
Amanda xx

French Fancy said...

Sweet bichony Lola - that is some fine advice you've dispensed there - especially to Sir Fred!

david mcmahon said...

Since you asked - I can highly recommend the Maldives!