December 17, 2009
Well, my dear readers, I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed you all since my last post! The reason is that Nora, my PA, who types up all my profound thoughts has not only been very busy away on a long business trip but also just started a wonderful new column in EURO WEEKLY NEWS a terrific English language newspaper with the biggest free distribution in Spain which is read by over a quarter of a million people every week and which you can catch every Thursday online! Her column’s called: Breaking Views and the very first article’s published today on page 27! She’d really love to know what you think about it (and later articles too) but, better still, email dear Mrs Ed (see page 40) at email@example.com.
Nora’s promised me, too, she’ll type up more of my Lola Lifeline columns and even give away more of my Lola Awards (below) in another entertaining Lola Awards post that was such great fun last time!
But, first, please write in to Mrs Ed NOW!!
Well back now, dear readers, to this month’s edition of YOUR LOLA LIFELINE! And my postbag’s full to bursting as usual with queries and dilemmas from so many of you! And, as usual, I’ve picked out the most urgent and pressing to share.
1. First up is another query from Alfie, my puppie-nephew (left).
Ooh, Nora! You are sooo useless! Most incompetent PA ever! Post the pic of Alfie below immediately...!
Now the good news is that Alfie had a wonderful time at his Harley Davidson rally in the US this Summer thanks to Pet Airways http://petairways.com/ as I advised in my last post. The bad news is that his girl-friend, Tara (below),and his chum, Antonio, are now an item! Alfie is naturally heart-broken and desperately wants to win her back. What can he give her for Christmas that would really impress? Also, another problem is that he’s not a good conversationalist (unless the topic’s HD which Tara can’t stand!). What’s Lola's advice?
I have just the ticket! Why not buy Tara her very own Membership Card to VIP Pets (right),Andalucia’s just-opened, most luxurious pet resort with underfloor heating, TV and internet for its pet clients! It even has a Spa with individual swim sessions in its heated pool for weight loss or just plain fun! And if that’s not enough, Tara’s Membership Card will also entitle her to a 20% discount for all services: grooming, hydrotherapy, Spa and Boutique (with its exclusive Puppy Angels clothing and accessories range below left).
I understand, too, that Tara’s something of a chocoholic. But she won’t be impressed by any ordinary chocolate, however expensive like Chocopologie by Knipschild at $2,600 a pound! Oh, no! Now what would make a lasting impression on her would be a chocolate that’s completely different from anything else she’s ever tasted. In other words, one with a UNIQUE flavour! So what you should also give her, Alfie, is chocolate by Al Nassma of Dubai (below), the first chocolate made with camel’s milk! (Should now be available from Harrods!)
And as for entertaining Tara, you can’t go far wrong with cracking a few jokes! Here’s a few to start with:
Woman takes her duck to the vet. He says, "Sorry, it’s dead."
She says, "I don’t believe it."
Vet calls in a labrador dog. Dog sniffs the body of the duck, lowers his head dolefully, shakes it left to right and walks out. In comes a cat, licks the duck, lowers head, sadly nods. Leaves.
Vet says, "That’ll be £1,000."
She says, "That’s outrageous."
Vet responds, "It would have been £200 but you’ve got to add in the lab report and the cat scan."
Girl, to amorous boyfriend: "Go easy.I’m a virgo intacta."
Boy: "Oh, I can speak Latin too. I’m infra dig!"
The manager of my local Snappy Snaps told me off today. Must have been something negative I’d said!
Dear readers, that’s my advice to Alfie. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for him?
2. Next up is a query from Gordon Romsey, London (left)
I desperately want to become a celebrity and earn shedloads of cash like Simon Cowell and Susan Boyle. But I don’t have any real talents. I can’t sing, act, cook or play football. In fact, I can’t do anything. Should I just give up?
No, certainly not! Simply go on Reality TV (below) and utter foul-mouthed obscenities! You’ll become an overnight success!
Dear readers, that’s my advice to Gordon. Do you agree?
Well, mes chers lecteurs, sadly that’s all we have time for today! But remember, if you have any problems or queries you’d like me to respond to, don’t hesitate to let me know (or my PA, Nora) in the COMMENTS BOX BELOW! However weird, outlandish, insoluble it may seem, I’ll have an answer to that Desperate Dilemma of yours! So why hesitate any longer? Go on! Write to me, Agony Aunt to the Stars, in the comments box NOW!
And now, dear readers, I’ll wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and creep back to my basket for my beauty sleep (yawn), but do help yourselves to a piece of Laduree candy (below) on your way out! And thank you so much for all your kind comments while I was away and I'm already looking forward to seeing you all again soon! And do please close that door quietly... still recovering from all these riotous Christmas parties! Where’s that expresso I asked for? (snore)
P.S. Oh, and please don’t forget to email Dear Mrs Ed with your comments about Nora’s new column!!
Grrrh! Grrh! Agh! Agh! Agh!Grrh! Grrh! Grrh! Agh! Agh! Agh!!
No, you useless PA! I don’t mean that eye candy.
I mean THIS!
XOXO LOL LOLA:)
September 5, 2009
1. First up is another query from Alfie, my puppy-nephew (above). Alfie, as you know, is a keen Harley-Davidson fan and he desperately wants to travel to the US this summer to attend a big HD rally. But none of his close relatives, particularly his Mom, Sadie (right) are willing to take him. Alfie is heart-broken at the prospect of missing this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. What should he do?
Ooh, Nora! You are sooo useless! Most incompetent PA ever! Post the pic of Alfie
I have just the ticket, literally! This summer has just seen the launch of Pet Airways http://petairways.com the first pets-only airline which runs a weekly service to five US cities. Pets travel in a Beechcraft 1900 that can hold 50 animals, two pilots and one pet attendant. It promises to transport pets with "love, care, safety and comfort" in the main cabin (any owners must travel on regular flights - they aren't even allowed to fly in cargo!). Since the first flights will be for dogs and cats only, you’re in luck, Alfie! Check your pet passport’s up-to-date and off you go - on your OWN! And, on arrival, do check into a Paw Seasons Hotel and order their canine special, Leash and Potato soup! And let’s hope you don’t get dogged at every step by puparazzi! Bone voyage! *groan*
2. Next up is a query from the British Secret Service, MI6 (left), which is advertising for a health and safety adviser to "keep our staff safe as they go about their work protecting the country against these threats" & "promote a positive safety culture".
What sort of advice do you think MI6 should be given? Here's Lola's:
When visiting the headquarters of the evil Blofeld empire, always remember that white cats may cause an allergic reaction. Oh, and before your next mission, Mr Bond, please read every leaflet you can lay your, er, hands on about the dangers of venereal disease...
When she recently ordered him to clear out the garage and sell unwanted items, he was so outraged, he tells me, he sought revenge by putting up for sale on TradeMe, an internet auction site, some eight-year old "glamour" photos he found of her in suspenders and thong under the title "Five Naked Photos of My Mum". When she found out, she called him a "cheeky little git". But she became truly angry, however, when the site took the photos down because "we don’t really want to be the place where people sell pictures of their mothers in their underwear". Michael says she’s now INSISTING he put them (and some others too) back up or else - ’cos in her words: "They are artistic. There’s nothing dodgy about them. I want 50% of the sale, but, more than that, I miss the NICE comments." What should Michael do to appease his mother?
My advice is to encourage your mother to start blogging where she’ll get lots of "nice comments" from nice, new blogpals - provided, that is, she doesn’t post any of those D-R-E-A-D-F-U-L photos you sent me... U-G-H!! U-G-H!! U-G-H!!
September 4, 2009
Credit: Chris Levine
is currently on view at the Little Black Gallery
in London. The exhibition features film stars, rock
legends, chefs and queens and runs
from the 1st of September to the 10th of October.
Here, my dear readers, is a selection especially
James Dean and Elizabeth Taylor, 1955, on the
set of Giant, photographed by Richard Miller, a
freelance photographer employed by Globe Photos
to cover the entertainment industry. His first
on-location assignment was on the set of Giant.
Credit: Richard Miller
Credit: Alan Davidson
Credit: Barry Lategan
Credit: Richard Miller
in 1971 as a student photographer; it was at the
famous Stones concert at The Round House. Bob's
camera was confiscated by security and the film
removed however a roll slipped through the net
and contained this image.
Credit: Bob Carlos Clarke
were taken during Rolling Stones rehearsals at
Apple Studios before their infamous Hyde Park
concert in 1969. It was just after Brian Jones had
died and Mick Taylor had joined. It was Willie
Christie's first professional job (a commission for
Melody Maker), and he remembers how the
Rolling Stones didn't want him to be there, and
wouldn't allow him to use flash. Mick Taylor kept
turning his back for the pictures. Only three
pictures were ever published in Melody Maker
Credit: Willie Christie
Grrrh! Grrrh! Grrh! Agh! Agh! Agh!
Grrh! Grrh! Grrh! Agh! Agh! Agh!!
September 2, 2009
to the Stars in Your Lola Lifeline column! (btw
The September one’s appearing shortly!) Lorenzo
Agius is something similar! Well, not an Agony Aunt
exactly! But Photographer to the Stars! Apparently,
they feel so comfortable and relaxed with him that they
allow him to snap them in all kinds of, well, unusual
scenarios. Such as: Crying. Blindfolded. Eating
chips. In bed (two male stars!) Mouse-watching...
Scenarios that I wouldn’t let myself be snapped in,
would you?! Well, maybe eating chips but crying?
Blindfolded? In bed? (But hang on, which two
male stars are we talking about here?!!)
From 14 September to 14 October 2009, Lorenzo’s
images will be on show at the Alon Zakaim
Fine Art Gallery, Mayfair, London so do get
along there if you can. But here’s a selection of
them especially for you, my dear readers:
Jude Law, Ewan McGregor
Liam Gallagher, Patsy Kensit
Keira & those chips!
WELL, DEAR READERS, WHICH SITUATIONS
WOULD YOU NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE
SNAPPED IN? WHERE DO YOU DRAW THE LINE?
OH, AND DO HELP YOURSELF TO SOME OF
THIS CANDY ON YOUR WAY OUT!!
Grrrh! Grrrh! Grrh! Agh! Agh! Agh!
Grrh! Grrh! Grrh! Agh! Agh! Agh!!
No, I mean THIS candy!!
August 31, 2009
In my third A Little of What Lola Loves spot, I’d
like to share with you, my dear readers, Kate
Moss’s Fall/ Winter 2009 range which has just hit
Topshop stores! Here are a few campaign images.
What do you think? Do you see any must-haves?
Pieces that will go straight on e-bay at three
times the original price?!!
Green butterfly print dress
Grey stripe ribbed dress (torn tights not included!)
(L) Metallic jacquard bandeau dress
(R) Black studded dress
(L) Grey stripe blazer.Grey stripe jumper.
(R) Grey jacket-style cardigan.Leather pencil skirt.
(L) Black culotte jumpsuit. (R) Black caftan.
Brown faux-fur coat.
Here are some more images you might enjoy...
Kate Moss look? And, more importantly,
how might it look on YOU?
and, since this is an Equal Opportunities
site, we’ve asked Messieurs Pitt, Newman,
Owen and Putin (all hanging over there in
the sidebar) to model one exclusively for us!
And as they say in THE WIRE, "Y’all feel me?"