December 17, 2009

YOUR LOLA LIFELINE!

THE COLUMN THAT GIVES YOU, DEAR READERS, LOLA POWER!


Well, my dear readers, I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed you all since my last post! The reason is that Nora, my PA, who types up all my profound thoughts has not only been very busy away on a long business trip but also just started a wonderful new column in EURO WEEKLY NEWS a terrific English language newspaper with the biggest free distribution in Spain which is read by over a quarter of a million people every week and which you can catch every Thursday online! Her column’s called: Breaking Views and the very first article’s published today on page 27! She’d really love to know what you think about it (and later articles too) but, better still, email dear Mrs Ed (see page 40) at mrsed@euroweeklynews.com.

Nora’s promised me, too, she’ll type up more of my Lola Lifeline columns and even give away more of my Lola Awards (below) in another entertaining Lola Awards post that was such great fun last time!

But, first, please write in to Mrs Ed NOW!!


Well back now, dear readers, to this month’s edition of YOUR LOLA LIFELINE! And my postbag’s full to bursting as usual with queries and dilemmas from so many of you! And, as usual, I’ve picked out the most urgent and pressing to share.


1. First up is another query from Alfie, my puppie-nephew (left).
Ooh, Nora! You are sooo useless! Most incompetent PA ever! Post the pic of Alfie below immediately...!









Now the good news is that Alfie had a wonderful time at his Harley Davidson rally in the US this Summer thanks to Pet Airways http://petairways.com/ as I advised in my last post. The bad news is that his girl-friend, Tara (below),and his chum, Antonio, are now an item! Alfie is naturally heart-broken and desperately wants to win her back. What can he give her for Christmas that would really impress? Also, another problem is that he’s not a good conversationalist (unless the topic’s HD which Tara can’t stand!). What’s Lola's advice?



Dear Alfie,
I have just the ticket! Why not buy Tara her very own Membership Card to VIP Pets (right),Andalucia’s just-opened, most luxurious pet resort with underfloor heating, TV and internet for its pet clients! It even has a Spa with individual swim sessions in its heated pool for weight loss or just plain fun! And if that’s not enough, Tara’s Membership Card will also entitle her to a 20% discount for all services: grooming, hydrotherapy, Spa and Boutique (with its exclusive Puppy Angels clothing and accessories range below left).

I understand, too, that Tara’s something of a chocoholic. But she won’t be impressed by any ordinary chocolate, however expensive like Chocopologie by Knipschild at $2,600 a pound! Oh, no! Now what would make a lasting impression on her would be a chocolate that’s completely different from anything else she’s ever tasted. In other words, one with a UNIQUE flavour! So what you should also give her, Alfie, is chocolate by Al Nassma of Dubai (below), the first chocolate made with camel’s milk! (Should now be available from Harrods!)

And as for entertaining Tara, you can’t go far wrong with cracking a few jokes! Here’s a few to start with:




Woman takes her duck to the vet. He says, "Sorry, it’s dead."
She says, "I don’t believe it."
Vet calls in a labrador dog. Dog sniffs the body of the duck, lowers his head dolefully, shakes it left to right and walks out. In comes a cat, licks the duck, lowers head, sadly nods. Leaves.
Vet says, "That’ll be £1,000."
She says, "That’s outrageous."
Vet responds, "It would have been £200 but you’ve got to add in the lab report and the cat scan."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Girl, to amorous boyfriend: "Go easy.I’m a virgo intacta."
Boy: "Oh, I can speak Latin too. I’m infra dig!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The manager of my local Snappy Snaps told me off today. Must have been something negative I’d said!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear readers, that’s my advice to Alfie. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for him?


2. Next up is a query from Gordon Romsey, London (left)

Dear Lola,
I desperately want to become a celebrity and earn shedloads of cash like Simon Cowell and Susan Boyle. But I don’t have any real talents. I can’t sing, act, cook or play football. In fact, I can’t do anything. Should I just give up?

Dear Gordon,
No, certainly not! Simply go on Reality TV (below) and utter foul-mouthed obscenities! You’ll become an overnight success!

Dear readers, that’s my advice to Gordon. Do you agree?



Well, mes chers lecteurs, sadly that’s all we have time for today! But remember, if you have any problems or queries you’d like me to respond to, don’t hesitate to let me know (or my PA, Nora) in the COMMENTS BOX BELOW! However weird, outlandish, insoluble it may seem, I’ll have an answer to that Desperate Dilemma of yours! So why hesitate any longer? Go on! Write to me, Agony Aunt to the Stars, in the comments box NOW!

And now, dear readers, I’ll wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and creep back to my basket for my beauty sleep (yawn), but do help yourselves to a piece of Laduree candy (below) on your way out! And thank you so much for all your kind comments while I was away and I'm already looking forward to seeing you all again soon! And do please close that door quietly... still recovering from all these riotous Christmas parties! Where’s that expresso I asked for? (snore)

P.S. Oh, and please don’t forget to email Dear Mrs Ed with your comments about Nora’s new column!!





Grrrh! Grrh! Agh! Agh! Agh!Grrh! Grrh! Grrh! Agh! Agh! Agh!!
No, you useless PA! I don’t mean that eye candy.




I mean THIS!

XOXO LOL LOLA:)

47 comments:

Heavenly Housewife said...

Oh my god, i am so happy you are back daaaaaaaahlings! I have thought of you many times (especially whenever I see the Lola perfume by Marc Jacobs). You must have been up to many adventures during this time, and of course, I cant wait to hear all about them.
How fabulous that Nora is now writing for the weekly news. Awesome! Between you two, you can give advice to all of Spain! I am sure they will be most grateful indeed. I will definitely be checking that out.
p.s. am intrigued by this camel milk chocolate. I need to stop at harrods this weekend. do you think i should review this chocolate for my blog? i hope there wont be any horridly unusual taste sensations in there LOL
*smooches* and lots of love, HH
so so so so so glad you are back!!!!!!!!

Heavenly Housewife said...

Its me again daaaaahling.
I liked your article. It reminded me about a post i did recently, about gifts for people you don't like. Talk about a lump of coal in a Christmas stocking LOL.

Maggi said...

LOLA'S BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was in utter shock to see your comment at my place, I've missed you so! Please give my sincere congratulations to dearest Nora on her new column! Fantastic!

dana said...

Obviously you missed this post:

http://danajoywyzard.blogspot.com/2009/11/our-hearts-are-broken-and-im-shutting.html

Would you PLEASE read it? Our hearts are broken over our little furbaby Bichon.

Maggi said...

Wonderful article and yes, I would much rather go with the socks. lol Send in a check...pfffff. lol

Dustjacket Attic said...

Well girls you are back, we all missed you SO much here in ole blogland. Really love the comment at mine honey, thank you :)

Well I agree with your advice for that male chauvinist so & so Ramsey. He was appalling when he visited Aus this year... DO not come back.

Congratulations on your column, I will check it out for sure.

Wishing you the best Christmas,

big hugs DJ

LENORENEVERMORE said...

Welcome back darling!
Congrats on the column...
Anyway, I was shocked at the $2,600 a pound! what?!!
Hope to see your fun posts once again~ Happy Holidays as well!
xo as always*

Dustjacket Attic said...

Mmmm socks would be the go for sure!!! Excellent article, hey you could post your column in here as well :)
xxx

laterg8r said...

dear lola, i thought you were gone for good! so glad you are back, you always make me smile :D

your PA distracted me so much with that picture of sawyer that i still haven't quite recovered :D

A Cuban In London said...

What a post, what a post! I roared with laughter. And Gordon, oh, Gordon, why do you have to swear so much?

Happy Christmas to you, too.

Greetings from London.

Gingeyginge said...

WELCOME BACK!!!

astrid said...

Marvellous post (as always!)- and marvellous article too. Off now to email Mrs Ed about it! She should give you a WHOLE page in the paper!

Well done & keep it up!

daylily777 said...

Welcome back, you were missed !
Congratulations to your PA On her new column .
Merry Christmas !
~Myrna

daylily777 said...

Wonderful post & wonderful article !
I agree I think I'll stick with the socks .
Blessings & Hugs,
~Myrna

Marie Antionette said...

Hello Nora,
you certainly came back with a bang!!! Missed you Dear.
First problem...I don't agree.
He should buy her something more personal that comes fro his heart not a glamour shope.Like a beautiful engraved collor.
Second problem...If he don't care for her health,by all means buy her chocolate.Chocolate can hrm, even kill a dog.
Third problem...Just tell him to look at her puppy dog eyes and it will say it all.

I wish I could put a frying pan up that chefs wazoo. I could never in a million let him scream at me.Not in my nature to be passive,no matter how much money i could win. I was a barmaid,Remember???
I agree with your second thingie...You can do anything these days and it seems news worthy.I don't understand it.Most of the antics are not even funny,some dangerous.UGH!!!
Thats all for today my dear,
Hugs and kisses Marie Antionette

Marie Reed said...

Your dog wins the cutest pooch award paws down!

claire said...

The best post ever and the wittiest article I've read in a very very long time too! Like all the comments above, I'll stick with the socks, thanks! Euroweekly News are lucky to have you, Nora! And I'm writing to Mrs Ed right NOW to tell her so!

And welcome back - you've been missed by the whole blogosphere for far too long!!

JamaGenie said...

What a wonderful surprise to find your comment at Sat's Child this morning! Hurrah! You and your absent-minded PA are baaaaaack! You have been sooooooo missed.

Will check out the column, also Nora's book (which I was meaning to do long ago). But chocolate, even made with camels' milk, is *very* bad for dogs. Stick to a day at the pet spa.

xxxooo
JamaGenie

Melissa said...

Life is truly good. I am so happy that you are back. I missed you and your marvelous blog.

And no doubt that Alfie will win the heart of Miss Lola again. I just know it is meant to be.

Welcome back, my dear friend.

Melissa

French Fancy said...

Oh it sure is good to see you both back - you've been well missed.

As for the jokes - I'm trying to remember the lab and cat scan one because at my ma-in-laws Christmas lunch we all have to tell a joke and this one of yours was great

Hope you have a fabulous Christmas and a good 2010

xx

Beth Niquette said...

Very interesting post. Happy PFF!

Holly Loves Art said...

It's great to see you back blogging! Wish you and yours a very happy holiday season and a very happy new year.
Cheers!
Holly

fromtherightbank.com said...

I was just thinking of you today! Really! So imagine my surprise when I got your comment! I've been away as well, busy with a big move. It's good to be back and to see you back too. Have a lovely weekend!

Chloé said...

oooh you're back!!
I loved your post and I am so glad you stopped by my blog !!!

Thanks for the lovely comment!!

So, I am happy to read your great posts again!!

Love,
Chloé

Juan Antonio said...

Excellent post (as always) and excellent article too - so witty! Can't wait for the next one.Euroweekly News (that I really like)is so fortunate to have you as a columnist - I'll be emailing the Editor to tell him this too!

Happy holidays and all good wishes!

Draffin Bears said...

Welcome back dear!
You have been missed so much and great to see you back again, busier than ever it would seem.
Just off to check the column now.

Many thanks for visiting me.

Happy holidays and sending heartfelt Greetings and blessings.

Hugs
Carolyn

Michelle said...

Hi Nora and Lola!!

Thank you for stopping by with your holiday well wishes. I hope you both have a wonderful holiday season! This move really threw me for a loop..and haven't been blogging much. Ugh.

Lots of love and hugs!!

xoxo

Michelle and the kitties

Duchess of Tea said...

My Darling Nora and Damette....welcome back. I missed both of you terribly. Blogshire was not the same without yo too. So very nice to have you back!!!

My darling I wish you and yours all the joy, love, hope, blessings, peace, laughter, miracles, good health and boundless wealth during this holiday season and always.

Love & Hugs
Duchess

Mercedes said...

Wonderful post & wonderful acidly witty column! Will be sure to follow all future articles in Euro Weekly News too - great local paper! Great to see you back- you've been so badly missed!

Francisco said...

Echo all the comments above. Most amusing post (as usual) and equally amusing article- will be checking it out regularly! Glad you're back too - it's been too long!

ModernMom said...

Oh my dear how I have missed you! So glad you are back...and with an advice column too:)

merry Christmas my friend!
mwah!

Amanda said...

The girls are back! Have missed you, but so pleased to see that life has kept you busy, and so exciting to see your new column. Congratulations! Have a lovely lovely Christmas. Amanda xx

jordiegirl said...

So lovely to see you two return to blogging - it's been a long time - and you've been missed.

Hope you both have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Toothfairy said...

welcome back!

and congrats nora on the newspaper column!

both of you enjoy the holidays, and watch your stomach lola!

loves

Bhavesh Chhatbar said...

I've emailed her congratulating :)

Welcome back Nora :)

Bhangarh

NicNacManiac said...

Well...you surely know how to make a comeback!! You ladies have been really busy and I am so happy to see you again!!
Congrats Nora...well done on the feature!!
Have a fantastic New Year!1 xOxO

Duchess of Tea said...

Happy & Blessed New Year darling. Wishing you and yours good health, much happiness and vast fortune in the new year.

Love & Hugs
Duchess

Gingeyginge said...

Happy New Year

The Vintage Kitten said...

Hi Nora, always lovely to hear from you, I know you are soooo busy. Happy New Year! Lots of Love TVK x

Chloé said...

i wish you a wonderful new year too!!
And it is okay that you don't have the time to visitmy blog so often, it is not that interesting;)

My best wishes for your new year !!!

Love,Chloé

Heavenly Housewife said...

Thank you for your New Years wishes my daaaahlings, Happy New Year to you too! I hope you have lots of fabulous things coming your way this year :D.
Lots of love
*kisses* HH

Maria said...

A very happy & successful New Year to you both!

I always read your blog first cos its the best in the whole of blogland! Understand though how busy you are now & you dont have time to visit other sites or post so often. But will always look forward to *seeing* you again when you can! xx

Draffin Bears said...

Happy New Year, dear Nora and Lola.
Go make it the best year of your life!

Many thanks for visiting me and I know how life can be busy with work and everything. It was great to hear from you.

Wishing you all the very best for 2010.

Hugs
Carolyn

Melissa said...

Nora and Lola,

Wishing you a very bright and cheery New Year.

Melissa

Antonio said...

A very Happy & successful New Year to you both! Together you provide the best site I've come across! Keep it up!

Antonio

PS Think your column's great too.

Jessica Cangiano said...

Why, Lola and Nora darrrrrrrlings, what a sublime treat to see that you've returned to the blogsphere! Hand on my heart, I have thought of you often and hoped that life was smiling upon you both.

I just wanted to take a moment to say thank for the comments you left for during the past year, each one meant a tremendous amount to me.

I really hope that your year is off to a sparklingly fantastic start, and that each of the days that follows will continually be even more amazing for you than the last!

Big hugs & endless joyful wishes for 2010,
♥ Jessica

Riet said...

Nice to see you are back