April 15, 2010

"M" IS FOR ... MY LOLA LIFELINE!


THE COLUMN THAT GIVES YOU, DEAR READERS, L~O~L~A POWER!

Well, dear readers, welcome to the latest edition of Alphabe-Thursday where M stands for MY (and YOUR!) LOLA LIFELINE! And my postbag’s full to bursting with queries and dilemmas from so many of you! And, as usual, I’ve picked out the most urgent and pressing to share.

1. First up is another query from my puppy-nephew, Alfie (left).
Ooh, Nora! You are sooo useless!
Most incompetent PA ever! Post the pic of Alfie below immediately...!

Dear Lola,
Last December, I was more organized than usual about sending Christmas gifts to relatives in Australia, instead of leaving them til the last minute! For Uncle Ben and Auntie Jen, who have very racy interests, I bought some really explicit, X-rated DVDs. My Grandma asked for some highly religious books from a local publisher. But when I took the parcels to the post office, I was in a bit of a rush and think I may have got the labels the wrong way. ‘Cos I haven’t heard from either relative since, I can’t sleep for worrying about the mix up. And I daren’t tell Mum the truth! What should I do, Aunt Lola?

Dear Alfie,
Stop worrying, Alfie! Christmas is about surprises and life-changing experiences. It’ll probably do Auntie and Uncle the world of good to have the opportunity to contemplate the more spiritual side of life while Grandma could turn out to be far more broad-minded than you think. Or you could tell her it’s the latest trendy nature programmes from the ever-resourceful, budget-conscious, cost-cutting BBC!
Dear readers, that’s my advice for Alfie. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for him?


2. Next up is a query from Tamara, Alfie’s squeeze (left).
Dear Lola,
I’m a hard-up student but I do like to wear the latest trends in makeup and clothes! But every time I dress up, I end up looking like a cross between the potter, Grayson Perry (right) and one of Viz magazine’s Fat Slags! I’ve got a hot date soon with Alfie and naturally want to look ravishing! What do you advise?

Dear Tamara,
As a teenager on a tight budget, it’s not easy getting clothes and slap just right! I hear you’re going to London this weekend so I suggest you pop into one of the big Department stores like Harrods, Harvey Nicks or Selfridges and make for a beauty bar (such as Armani) for a free makeover and makeup tips. After that, seek out the personal shopper’s free advice as to a drop-dead outfit for your date. I know how difficult all this is for you. You see, Nora, my P.A., for instance, now looks reasonably OK (see her pic in sidebar, on right). But that’s after she got expert advice on diet and dress. If you want to see how she looked before, click HERE
Dear readers, that’s my advice for Tamara. Agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for her?

3. Next up is a query from Mr Romsey, London (left)
Dear Lola,
After restaurant closures, declining profits and lost Michelin stars, I really need to do something different, something that no other top chef has done, something that’s going to give me fantastic PR! So I’ve thought of diversifying into a totally new gastronomic market - haute cuisine baby food! Which I’d sell in my restaurants! This way, I’d not only attract more and more mums into my restaurants to buy it and stay on for lunch but also have their kids grow up hopefully addicted for life to MY food! What do you think Lola?

Dear Mr Romsey,
Well, I think this is a no-brainer! And potentially a double whammy for you! You’d not only be selling to babies but also to, wait for it, ADULTS since German baby food firm, Hipp (Mr Hipp above) says 25% of its consumers are adults!! And the reason? Apparently, they find baby food (left) easier to swallow and digest! Well, swallow that if you will! What’s the world coming to? Is everyone losing their teeth or simply becoming a bit, well, demented? Well, whatever the reason, Mr Romsey, you can’t fail! My advice is: go for it!
Dear readers, that’s my advice for Mr Romsey. Agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for him?!
Well, dear readers, sadly that’s all we have time for today! But remember, if you have any problems or queries you’d like me to respond to (dealt with anonymously if preferred), don’t hesitate to let me know (or my P.A., Nora) in the COMMENTS BOX BELOW! However weird, outlandish, insoluble it may seem, I’ll have an answer to that Desperate Dilemma of yours! So why hesitate any longer? Go on! Write to me, Agony Aunt to the Stars, in the comments box NOW!

And remember, YOUR LOLA LIFELINE! - your lifeline to a saner, more harmonious, beauteous world. And now I’m going to creep back to my basket for my beauty sleep (yawn), but do help yourselves, my dear readers, to the Pierre Herme macarons on your way out! Oh, btw, I shall be MIA for the next few days ’cos Nora’s off on another brief business trip and, as you know, she’s the one who transcribes all my deeply profound thoughts! But, like Arnie (above), I WILL be back very, very soon!! Promise!!
Have a great Alphabe-Thursday! And check out other great Alphabe-Thursday posts @ Jenny Matlock’s marvellous site!
XOXO LOLA:)

25 comments:

French Fancy said...

I think little Tamara just edged Johnny out of first place for my favourite photo.

Maggi said...

Poor Alfie, what a mix up! LOL Wonderful advice once again Lola!

Michelle said...

Wonderful lola!!love the before & after pics of your P.A.! lol!L

Jan said...

Lola, best post youve done for Your Lola Lifeline!! Ha! Great advice for mr romsey!!

Mike said...

Just love the expression on tamara's face! Priceless!!

Holly said...

Lola you crack me up every time!Can't make my mind up which pic I prefer:Johnny Depp or Tamara! hehe:D

tania said...

hilarious!love the advice for mr romsey!! Oh and tamara ofcourse!8-)

Debby said...

LOL...you are cracking me up girl!!!! Tamara wins hands down.
Debby

laterg8r said...

v funny :D

love your style :D

♥ Kathy said...

That was so much fun!

Heavenly Housewife said...

Wow, this is the most awesome place Lola! Great advice, Great Laudree treats. Eeew, can you believe adults eat baby food *puke*--life is to short.
Loved this.
*kisses* HH

Jenny said...

You, my dear, are totally marvelous.

In all ways.

And I hope you didn't notice that I took two!

How can a girl pick from all that lovely assortment?

Thanks for giving me such a smile on my journey through Alphabe-Thursday's Letter "M"!

A++++++++++++++++++++

Mary Beth @ Live. Laugh. Make Something said...

poor alphie! You must keep calming him so that he doesn't start chewing his nails and popping his knuckles... which can be so unattractive in a doggie. Keep up the good work. See you next week for the letter N...

mrs. c said...

You are noting but a hoot! so clever and witty!

Berlin said...

Haha, this one is so fun reading! Really funny. And the dog is so cute! Thanks for the comment, appreciate it =)

=Berlin=

bermudabluez said...

I didn't know that Lola had such a terrific sense of humor!!! I LOVE it! The gift mixup was quite funny!! We ate the rest of the goodies...hahahahah! xoxoxo from Chloe and LadyBug

Looking Fab in your forties said...

Very funny post! I want those biscuits!

My name is PJ. said...

Lola, you're HYSTERICAL!!!

You should begin with a warning that says, "Swallow your beverage before proceeding with caution." :)

French Fancy said...

Hope your trip goes well, Nora. Come back to us soon

Steph said...

How DO you do this? Spontaneous stream of consciousness? You are the answer woman today. Great writing and images.

Draffin Bears said...

Dear Lola and Nora,

Wonderful post dear friends!
Wow, what a mix up that would be with the Xmas gifts!
Such wonderful advice to all your readers.
Thanks also for sharing a Johnny picture.
Enjoy your travels and good luck with the deadline and assignments and look forward to your return.

Hugs
Carolyn

Jo said...

Oh Lola ... you always know what to say, who to wear, what to nibble on and how to help ... Luv ya!

Betty (picture circa 1951) said...

Great advice!!

Slices of Beauty... said...

...would happily love to share the macarons with you!

Self Sagacity said...

got a cupcake to go!