December 15, 2010


Well, dear readers, welcome to the latest edition of Alphabe-Thursday where L stands for just one thing: YOUR LOLA LIFELINE! And my postbag’s full to bursting with queries and dilemmas from so many of you! And, as usual, I’ve picked out the most urgent and pressing
1. First up is another query from my puppy-nephew, Alfie (left).
Ooh, Nora! You are sooo useless!
Most incompetent PA ever! Post the
pic of Alfie below immediately...!

Dear Aunt Lola,
I like this girl I work with who’s called Tamara,(below) but have never managed to talk to her. She’s very attractive, and I haven't even said hello because I'm worried about embarrassing myself. I have worked with her for over a year now. What do you think would be the most appropriate thing to say, or should I just casually crash into her “by accident”? What should I do, Aunt Lola?

Dear Alfie,
"Crashing into her" would probably constitute some form of assault and not convey the full depth of your feelings in the most eloquent way. Much better would be to start in a low-key way: "May I borrow your stapler?", for example. Then move on to something along the lines of: "Do you have any of those terrific green paperclips? They're absolutely my favourite", which would give her the opportunity to open up the conversation. A couple of weeks of this work-related office banter (“Oh! I’ve run out of those Post-It notes again!”), then you can say: "Why don’t we go and do some photocopying together …?" without taking her entirely by surprise.
That should lead straight to a merger (left)!

Theoretically. Otherwise this could be the result (below right)…
Dear readers, that’s my advice for Alfie. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for him?

2. Next up is a query from Miss Filet O’Fish, Belfast
Dear Lola,
I have been bullied into taking my ghastly maiden aunt who’s an opera singer(left), on holiday to France this Christmas. Her behaviour is shocking: she is rude to hotel staff, complains bitterly about the food, speaks in a loud, shrill voice in museums etc and her personal habits are disgusting. She picks her nose, sniffs all the food put in front of her and gags when eating anything other than “good British fare” (ie fish and chips). What should I do?

Dear Miss Filet O’Fish,
Presumably you don't normally take your aunt on holiday, so it is quite feasible that when you go through all the endless airport security (left), you could simply forget she is travelling with you and go on without her. Your aunt will be clueless about where she’s headed, so the police will be unable to reunite her with you and will pack her off back home. Play the innocent about it all when you return, and the whole family will be laughing about it for years and years to come. Possibly.
Dear readers, that’s my advice for Miss Filet O’Fish. Agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for her?

3. Finally, we have a query from Ms Kitty Purr, London
Dear Lola,
Whenever my family doctor gives me a referral letter to give to a consultant, it always has the same introduction “This pleasant lady...”. Obviously this is some doctors’ code. What does it mean?

Dear Ms Purr,
Easy peasy!! It means you are polite and unassuming and so can be left hanging around in hospital corridors alongside trolley loads of sick and dying patients without causing a fuss, while “This confident lady...” (=demanding bitch, left), “difficult case”” (=hypochondriac), and “would benefit from your full attention” (=borderline lunatic, below) are given priority. (I take it you are, in fact, a woman - otherwise you might benefit from changing your doctor.)

Dear readers, that’s my advice for Ms Purr. Agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for her?
Well, dear readers, sadly that’s all we have time for today! But remember, if you have any problems or queries you’d like me to respond to (dealt with anonymously if preferred), don’t hesitate to let me know (or my P.A., Nora) in the COMMENTS BOX BELOW! However weird, outlandish, insoluble it may seem, I’ll definitely have an answer to that Desperate Dilemma of yours! So why hesitate any longer? Go on! Write to me, Agony Aunt to the Stars, in the comments box NOW!

And remember, YOUR LOLA LIFELINE! - your lifeline to a saner, more harmonious, beauteous world.

And now I’m going to creep back to my basket for my beauty sleep (yawn), but do help yourselves, my dear readers, to the champagne on your way out! Oh, btw, I shall be MIA for the next couple of weeks ‘cos Nora’s away and, as you know, she’s the one who transcribes all my deeply profound thoughts! But, like Arnie (above), I WILL be back very, very soon!! Promise!! In the meantime, Happy Holidays and a very Happy New Year to all my dear readers wherever you are in the world!

And do check out other Alphabe-Thursday posts @ Jenny Matlock’s!


Heavenly Housewife said...

Oh Lola, I always do enjoy reading the Lola Lifeline column. You always give such good advice daaaahling. I'll miss you while you are gone, but just wishing you and Nora a super happy holiday.
*kisses* HH

Gingeyginge said...

When I stop laughing I will comment...

Michelle said...

This is outstanding, Lola!You've excelled even yourself this time!X

Holly said...

Haha! So funny!lol

Best yet!

EG Wow said...

Thanks for the chuckles!

Jenny said...

You just make my laugh.

I love visiting you and reading your irreverent observations and remarks.

Since you will be gone please accept my best wishes for a holiday filled with love, joy, peace and cheer!

I'm so glad our blog paths have crossed.

You are an absolute joy.

Thank you for linking to Alphabe-Thursday.


LV said...

What an interesting and different post for me today. I read the funny papers every day, but not too familiar with this.

Jo said...

oh Lola, you do give the best advice!!!

Debby said...

You crack me up!!!! Too funny!!!
Happy Holidays, Lola & Nora!!!!

Draffin Bears said...

Dear Nora and Lola,

Thank you for sharing the Lola lifeline column with us and all the good advice.
Two of my favourites, champagne and Mr Johnny, many thanks for making my day.
Happy holidays and wishing you a wonderful rest of the week

Judie said...

Dear Lola, what a treasure you are!!!

Jan said...

Have always loved Lola's Lifeline - and this is no exception! So amusing & witty! Hoho!

Haute World said...

I like the answer regarding the fussy aunt the best. I have to remember that in case I ever have to travel with someone annoying...

tania said...

Wow Lola! What an advice line you run! Can't wait for the next one! Haha :D

Mike said...

Such fantastic words of wisdom! Superb advice column - already looking forward to the next! :-)

Rocky Mountain Woman said...

Pretty stinking cute for first thing in the morning....

Nezzy said...

Ok, now who the heck is gonna come to the Ponderosa and pick me up 'cause I'm simply rollin' in the floor here. crack me up...that's so much for the great laugh...again! :o)

God bless ya and have a most amazing day sweetie!!!

fredamans said...

Lovely post, made me laugh.

H said...

Lola, you have come just in time. Please can you help me with my problem?

My brother has moved into my basement. This has made him happy. When he is happy, he sings; very, very loudly! He had a voice like a cheesegrater!! What can I do? Please, please help. It is driving me insane.

Yours desperately,


Berlin said...

Very good advice : )
It is so nice when there is a solution to a problem!

And happy holidays Nora and Lola!
Here in My country, we have been off for more than a month already. We have so many holidays. What about your country?

Riding a pretzel,

BINKSY said...

merry christmas

Cheryl D. said...

This was so funny! Thanks for the laugh!

Sweepy said...

L is for Lola, Lifeline, Laughter, LikeLikeLike, LOL, and possibly Luck and Love...

My word verif: luckoutdog

Len♥reNeverM♥re said...

I might want that Tiara from the queen B*tch!
Have a wonderful Christmas darling!!


Draffin Bears said...

Dear Nora and Lola,

Just popped by to wish you and your dear family the best and happiest Christmas. I hope it is filled with the sweetest of blessings.
I am so grateful for your beautiful friendship.

Christmas hugs

bichonpawz said...

Awesome advice Lola!!! Just stopping by to wish you and Nora the happiest of holiday seasons!!! xoxo Chloe, LadyBug, and the mama