YOUR LOLA LIFELINE!

THE COLUMN THAT GIVES YOU, DEAR READERS,LOLA POWER!

The first query out of my bulging postbag this week comes from the Magnificent Mme Moonspinner at DUSTJACKET ATTICwho has admitted in the past to a slight touch of shyness. And so here’s my advice!

ONE OF THOSE DREADFUL PIRATES!

1. Dear Mme Moonspinner,
If you haven’t booked that summer vacation yet, I have just the ticket. Literally! A pirate cruise! Now, I don’t mean one of those dreadfully drunken-walking-the-gang-plank type affairs (above)! But a REAL pirate cruise! Wealthy Russian holidaymakers, you see, are paying up to £3,500 (US $5,000) a day for so-called "pirate cruises" in luxury liners off the Somali coast! They are given weapons and, though ‘protected’ by crack troops, are encouraged to open fire should pirates attack!
MME. MOONSPINNER AS SLAVE!!

Now, my dear Mme Moonspinner, imagine yourself on this pirate cruise. And Somali pirates boarding the ship about to attack you! If you don’t make an INSTANT decision and OPEN FIRE, you may well find yourself kidnapped and either sold on as another hostage for the Taliban in Helmand Province or, a far, far worse fate for a self-confessed blogaddict like yourself (remember your BAA Ten Step Plan?), sold on as part of the white slave trade to deepest Africa (above). Far from any internet connection!! Far from your blogpals. Incommunicado! For ever!

Any remaining shyness or reserve you may still have been harbouring, Mme Moonspinner, cured at a stroke! Guaranteed!

Well, my dear readers, that’s my advice to Mme Moonspinner. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for her?
　
And now a query from Hugo Gold-Ingot-ffrench, Cheyne Walk, Chelsea, London:

HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT

2. Dear Lola,
My ambition is to become a British MP. But with all the reforms to the expenses system Gordon Brown is planning, how will I be able to make ends meet on a basic annual salary of £65,000 (US $100,000) plus inflation-linked pension pot plus expenses plus lucrative outside jobs plus unlimited perks?

Dear Hugo,
I’m frankly puzzled why you should want to become an MP. After all, when justifying their income, current MPs continually moan just how arduous the job is and how hard they work. Yet strangely there never seems to be a shortage of applicants for this terrifying job whenever a vacancy arises! But you seem set on your plan, Hugo, so here’s my advice.
EU PARLIAMENT, BRUSSELS

Lola’s advice:
Now that the House of Commons gravy train is running into a siding (where profiting tax free from the sale of a property partly funded by the taxpayer or designating it as a second home immediately before renovating it - not just once, but several times - isn’t "breaking the rules"), why not hop aboard the EU gravy train and become an MEP in Brussels (above)? After all, one of the UK’s average, not particularly career-minded MEPs recently channelled through a family firm more than £400,000 (US $600,000) of his "expenses"! Just think, Hugo, what an ambitious man like YOU might be able to achieve!

Well, my dear readers, that’s my advice to Hugo. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for him?

And last but not least, a query from George from LA, California:

GEORGE, LA

Oops! My PA, Nora’s screwed up again! Now back to OUR George:

3. Dear Lola,
My dream is to go on The Apprentice TV Show but I’m shy, suffer from low self-esteem and have little self confidence. Donald Trump (below) or Sir Alan Sugar would make mincemeat out of me! My wife doesn’t help either as she’s always bossing me about. In fact, I’m just a doormat she simply tramples on! Should I just forget my dream? What do you advise?
DONALD TRUMP!

Dear George,
No, don’t forget your dream, just forget your wife! First, divorce her. Next watch one TV series (one will be enough) of Gordon Ramsay’s Hell’s Kitchen (below). He’s a master at what he does and, in no time at all, you too will have a black belt in the art of foul-mouthed aggression. Congratulations!
GEORGE, YOUR ROLE MODEL!

Dear readers, that’s my advice to George. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for him?

Well, mes chers lecteurs, sadly that’s all we have time for today! But remember, if you have any problems or queries you’d like me to respond to (dealt with anonymously if preferred), don’t hesitate to let me know (or my PA, Nora) in the COMMENTS BOX BELOW! However weird, outlandish, insoluble it may seem, I’ll have an answer to that Desperate Dilemma of yours! So why hesitate any longer? Go on! Write to me, Agony Aunt to the Stars, in the comments box NOW!

And remember, YOUR LOLA LIFELINE! - your lifeline to a saner, more harmonious, beauteous world. Just like mine in fact!

xx LOL LOLA:)