April 15, 2009

GUEST POST BY REAL FIRST DOG OF THE US





















Managed to sneak in here while that human who comes for walks with me left her kennel oops office in the middle of writing about some disastrously dog-awful things she made. I say "office" though it’s not very different from mine except I’ve got softer cushions, a huge bowl of water - and loads of beautiful biscuits appropriate for a canine of my pulchritudinous pedigree (She’d better not try to paw those things off on me. Not going to be a pawn in her game...)

Which brings me to the reason I’m propped up here, panting, paws at the ready. To set the record straight. About matters far more serious and important than Kim Jong-il’s bouffant hairdo or yesterday's political splashes and dogfights. No, this is to put a stop, once and for all, to the truly scandalously gossipy nonsense put about the top choices for FDOTUS.

Most humans believe these were 1) Portuguese Water Dog and 2) Labradoodle. First a word about these two. The PWD (that they actually chose, ugh!) is, well, soo unkempt. (Not sure even my beautician could do anything with those rat tails. If you don’t believe me, just look at the pic. Ugh!) And as for the Doodle. Well, I mean, how robust is its pedigree, I’d really like to know. I realize I might be a bit old-fashioned here (I come from a long, renowned breed you understand) but the caninocracy is always a bit wary of any Rover-Come-Lately suddenly appearing on the scene.

And now the TRUTH! Which I have at first paw from my good chums from Madrid back here on holiday last week for Semana Santa. In fact, I have it on very good authority from my close friend, Alfredo the Alsation, who has the most impeccable sources in Madrid, that these choices were discussed at the recent G20 summit attended by our leader, SeƱor Zapatero. And that, contrary to all the shaggy dog stories, the first choice was neither the PWD nor the Doodle but the… Bichon Frise! In other words, ME!

Why didn’t they choose me then, I hear you ask. For two reasons. Firstly, it seems the French upset everyone else at the summit so a French breed was out of the question. Secondly, because (oops, can’t stop yawning!) some boffin thought there might otherwise be a run on BFs, someone might start tinkering with our genes and we’d all end up looking like one of Phil Spectre’s spare wigs. And that would give all of us BFs serious paws for thought...

Anyway, the human here with the wild fair hair (sometimes called Boris; my name, Lola, is soo much more feminine, don’t you think?) wants to enter me for the local dog show. But, I ask you! Called Scruffs, it’s soo infra dig! No, I’ll wait for the next Cruft’s or Westminster - more my scene. (Especially after a few sessions at the beautician’s.You know, girlie stuff - nails, colonic irrigation, bodogtox. That sort of thing.)

In the meantime, I may paw my way back here from time to time to write something SENSIBLE instead of all the illiterate, useless waffle you usually get.

PAWNOTE: That’s me above - now thankfully fully recovered from that frightful caterpillar attack and, more importantly, from all those dog-awful suppositories the vet-human insisted on inserting in places I truly didn’t know existed. (Soo much fabulous fur you see…)

6 comments:

pinklea said...

Nice to meet you, Lola. I've read a fair bit about you, and you seem to be quite an intelligent canine. I had no idea that you were also so well-read and such an accomplished writer. If all bichons are like you, it is indeed too bad that the US First Family didn't choose a relative of yours. I'm sure Mr Obama could have used the advice and support!

Nora Johnson said...

Pinklea: I was so flattered by your comments I got quite excitable & flustered and had to get that Boris woman (dreadful unkempt hair) take me for a jog. Nothing too strenuous you understand. After all, a girl's got to look after her figure...Afterwards had to take a nap (or siesta as Sra Noriega & the Boris woman insist on calling it here)in my silk-lined basket.

As for being well-read & accomplished, well, I'm FRENCH! All those years in puppybaccalaureatschool studying Dogbaudelaire, Dolgvoltaire, Canincalculus and soo much else...(yawn).

And as for that PWD or Portie.. I mean, whoever heard of a canine called Portie! It's soo inelegant!AND it's got web feet!! What good will he be when the Potus gets chased or something? We Bichons are RENOWNED for our agility and would have been such a better choice.

But as I revealed in my splash,(exclusively on Boris's thingie), it was totally a POLITICAL decision! But I have let it be known via my chums in Madrid (who have contacts with Sr Zapatero's people)that I will always hold myself ready for advice & all my canine wisdom. (After all, we canines are soo much more advanced in dog years.)

Oh that Boris woman is here again so I'd better get back to the basket, smile sweetly at her (it usually works)and let her caress my fabulous fur.

Oh (yawn), if only humans could be more like bichons...

P.S. Thank you for stopping by & for recognising my superior intelligence & accomplishments. Oh, where's that basket? I feel another nap coming on...

Nora Johnson said...

Pinklea: PPS Just woke myself up from a GHASTLY nightmare - the Potus being chased from the White House & that Portie diving for cover in the Potomac dogpaddling down river as fast as his webfeet would carry him! Well, as I warned everyone, what good are web feet to the Potus on LAND?

btw had a sneak look at your pic when Boris was out. LOVELY fur - gorgeously trimmed too. Can tell you've French blood like me...

Lola

pinklea said...

Well, I DO speak French and I also love real champagne - preferably pink, of course!

Nora Johnson said...

Pinklea: Ooh, I'm ecstatic at getting fanmail from soo far way! Got my admirers here, of course, but now my fanbase is going global, will have to think about getting an agent. Maybe Max Cliffordterrier who has a home here along the coast...

Though you're a bit taller than me, love your fur - soo coiffured. And you write soo elegantly too... plus you speak French! Whoopee!

Oops must go. Boriswoman back with her lead. Wants me to take her for a walk again (yawn).

A la prochaine! Et mes meilleures salutations au Canada (don't worry, my French will be Greek to her).

LOL LOLA

Moonspinner said...

Oh my gosh Lola, I love you. Did'nt get a chance to read your bit last time I visited. Are you on your own ... can we talk .... I'm joining you and your Boriswomans blog (blog sounds sooo common, don't you think) anyway talk soon.xxxx