INTERVIEWED BY OPRAH ~ OOPS, LOLAH!! (PART 2)

Lola: Well, you’ve had yet another siesta and here we are back for Part 2 of our interview! Now, where were we? Ah, yes! Talking about your highlights of 2009! Any others?

Me: Oh, yes, lots! You know how some people have roses named after them? Well, I’ve had a scent! Marc Jacobs has just named his latest scent, the follow-up to his last blockbuster "Daisy", after moi - "LOLA"! But where "Daisy" (inspired by his love of Daisy in The Great Gatsby) was in dear Marc’s own words "white and sweet and innocent", "Lola" is "warm, sexy — with reds and hot colours". Sooo spot on! Couldn’t have put it better myself! Ooh! The naughty man! Must have been spying on me in my boudoir to have found out so much about me! *wink* wink*

Lola: Any idea why he named it after you?

Me: That’s easy too! Marc said, " ‘Lola’ has always evoked that kind of seductive thing," referring to songs also named after me like Copacabana and Whatever Lola Wants (Lola Gets!)

Lola: And what about the smell?

Me: A little bit fruity, a lot floral, with a dash of vanilla and musk. Anyone who wears it, Marc says, will be a "sultry temptress"... like moi! Guaranteed!

Lola: Anything else?

Me: Ooh yes! I’m sooo thrilled! My psychological suspense thriller, in the sidebar over there (which my PA had the cheek to pass off as her own!) has sold lots of copies both in the UK and the U.S.A. - all the profits for CUDECA my favourite charity!

Lola: Any special likes or dislikes?

Me: Well, let me see. I love clothes, handbags, shoes, watches - I adore ALL FASHION! In fact, I’d love to show you a few pics now... Would you like to see them?

Lola: ‘Fraid not. Don’t have time now... you’ve got so many there! But why don’t you show me them another time, say next Monday? How about: A LITTLE OF WHAT LOLA LOVES (& LOLA GETS!) ... on Mondays? OK? Good. Now let’s move on to your dislikes...?

Me: Well, I know it’s supposed to be healthy but I detest green tea - always looks as if a couple of caterpillars have curled up and died in the cup!

Lola: Anything else?

Me: Pretentious, starchy, Michelin-style, white-gloved, silver service restaurants where waiters constantly hover over your table like pregnant mosquitoes! The amuse-bouches, the nibbles, the petits fours, the predesserts, the postdesserts, the just desserts. Ooh! It’s like fighting off canapés at a wedding reception!

Lola: You talked in the first part of our interview about that school you attended, Puppybaccalauréatacadémie. Can you tell us a bit more about it?

Me: Well, my dear blogpal, Jessica at CHRONICALLY VINTAGE summed it up sooo perfectly when she recently described it to me as the kind of educational institution where it’s perfectly alright to lunch solely on macaroons, bring a note excusing you from gym class because your Manolos gave you blisters over the weekend, and where Home-Economics was really more like a crash course on how to be a good sommelier! And, I’ll add, where Geography was all about the world’s hottest cities and best beaches, Chemistry about mixing up exquisite beauty lotions and potions and History exclusively about vintage fashion and trends! Dear Jessica, if you - and so many of my dear blogpals and readers too - had been there, we’d all have had a hell of a ball!

Lola: Do you believe in astrology?

Me: Oh, yes, I do the full-on chart casting whatsit. In fact, I adore astrology ’cos it only needs to be vague enough to cover all eventualities and gives you massive escape routes. You know, just blame everything not on your parents - but your planets! When I do something wrong (admittedly rarely!), what I say is "'Well, naturally, last night there was a penumbral lunar eclipse in conjunction with my Leo rising" or, if I’m being a bit less geeky, merely shrug my fabulous fur shoulders and say "I'm a Taurus - just can't say 'No’!''....

Lola: Some might say your LOLA LIFELINE COLUMN is a bit radical, excessive even. Are you trying to take on the UK Government Opposition’s job by becoming another GUIDO FAWKES or taking over from NIGHTJACK who’s just retired (well, forced to retire!)? And Lola! I mean, encouraging Alfie to become a CROOK...! How could you?

Me: Well, as for those two great bloggers, there’s simply no comparison! I’m sooo much more BEAUTIFUL! And, as for Alfie, don’t you see? That’s all part of the strategy! If I’d said, "No, Alfie, you mustn’t do this, you must do that", he’d have rebelled like any youngster his age. After all, he’s simply going through a phase! But now he’s had time to reflect, he’s changed his mind and has gone right off the idea of becoming a crook. And is putting his best paw forward with other plans. But more about those in my next Lifeline Column!

Lola: Fine, OK! Now tell me one thing we don’t know about you.

Me: I ADORE frogs! Did you know I’ve got a pet frog called Kermit who talks to me? Here’s his pic:
KERMIT!

Lola: Final question. Who‘s the hottest celebrity?

Me: Oh, you mean, after me? Well, Brad comes pretty close!

Lola: Well, thanks for the interview. That was really, well, illuminating! But before you go, I understand you’re to pass on this tag to 15 NEW BLOGGERS!

Me: Ooh, that’s sooo difficult! They’re all sooo wonderful. Just 15, you say? Well, here they are:

LITTLE BEAR STUDIO
AGLIO, OLIO & PEPERONCINO
SLICES OF BEAUTY
ETERNALLY DISTRACTED
AERIAL ARMADILLO
IVA MESSY
LET'S HAVE A COCKTAIL
CLARITY IN WONDERLAND
TINKERING L8
I'D RATHER BE SCRAPBOOKING
LENORENEVERMORE
DOWN & OUT CHIC
MIMI CHARMANTE
SMALL ACORNS
FRENCHBLUE
GYPSY FOX

And those were even more doggedly tough questions you asked! But all these deeply profound thoughts have made me sooo sleepy... where’s my basket? But help yourself to one or two cupcakes on your way out. And please shut the door otherwise that useless PA of mine will be sure to be in here again tampering with everything. Of course, you do know she can’t spell, don't you? If it wasn’t for my editing, these posts she types up for me would be full of really bad spelljng mistakes.

For instance, did you see that letter of complaint she just wrote to our local water company? No? Well, here it is:

"IM RITNG TOO CUMPLANE BOUT AL TEH FLOURIDE YOO PORE INTOO TEH WATR HEAR INN ANDELUCY. YOO SHUD KONSIDR TEH RHAMUPHUKASHUNS UV YIR AKSHUNS IF YOO DOO TAHT. IM VERIE ANGREE, NORA."

Me: And don't forget to take one of these cupcakes:
Cupcakes!

Grrrh! Grrrh! Grrh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Grrh! Grrh! Grrh!
Agh! Agh! Agh! Grrh! Grrh! Grrh! Agh...

SEE YOU MONDAY!!

P.S. OH, AND DO LET ME KNOW IF ANYONE HAS A PIC OF
A BICHON FIGHTING A DRAGON DRESSED IN GUCCI - FOR MY COAT OF ARMS!
xxxLOL LOLA:)

LOLA'S BACK!! ~ YOUR LOLA LIFELINE!

You know, these should really be called The Lola Diaries ’cos what I’ve got to say is sooo much more intelligent and interéssant than the drivel and waffle that woman with the wild, fair hair writes. The reason, mes chers lecteurs, is très simple! Here in the southern Mediterranean, ALL canines are permitted INSIDE restaurants where we don’t just collapse on the floor, endlessly lick our privés parts and drool listlessly but, au contraire, we pick up all kinds of information you humans shamelessly hurl about en particulier when you’ve had a bouteille too many of Puligny Montrachet or (my favourite!) Château Pétrus.



For instance, one of my chums (pic above) close to the PM, Señor Zapatero, in Madrid regularly picks up in restaurants and in Señor Zapatero’s own Palacio de la Moncloa not just snippets of the latest gossip about other leaders (Ooh, M Sarkozy!! Ooh, S. Belusconi!! If you only knew!!) but top, top secrets as well. (But as a lady, I couldn’t possibly comment… In fact, I’m blushing now but you would never know - all that fabulous fur you understand.) Moreover, this Saturday, Norawoman is taking me to Jean-Christophe Novelli’s new restaurant in Marbella (Señora Noriega is going out with Juan Antonio) so, ’cos it’s a top French restaurant, one should expect a better breed of canine there and, who knows, I just might pick up yet another e-x-c-l-u-s-i-v-e for you!


But enough of that and back to The Lola Diaries which I know you’re just itching to hear more about! Now, since my fanmail is getting so huge, I’ve been doing a bit of thinking and have come to the conclusion I should put myself about a bit (you know, like all those wanabee singers and actors and failing prime ministers). And go on YouTube! But then I overheard Norawoman (as you know, I made her my PA though she’s pretty hopeless), muttering (she thinks when I’m lying in my basket with my eyes closed, everything else is closed down too) how naff that would be ’cos only needy people like Susan Boyle and Gordon Brown go after PR on YouTube.

So, until my fame goes truly GLOBAL and the Delectably Divine Duo (Oprah and Obama) come knocking on my basket (meanwhile I’ll steer clear of Jonathan Ross - I don’t want any embarrassing messages about MY love life left on the answer machine - and the British Government Minister who recently took a peek at my website!), I’ve decided to do what I do best. Namely to give advice. To you, chers lecteurs. Totally free. Ever since I was a puppy in New Labour puppybaccalauréatacadémie, you understand, my advice was always being sought and so I feel it incumbent on myself - no, my duty! - to pass on these snippets of my wisdom.


One day last week, for instance, I had a long, serious chat with my puppy-nephew (above) about his future. “I’ve been giving the matter a lot of thought recently, and I’ve finally come to a landing. I want to do absolutely nothing useful with my life,” he admitted at last, removing his iPod with a yawn and rolling over on his side to face the sun. “But why don’t you take a more positive attitude?” I replied. “Why not become a small-time crook? A cowboy roof builder, a layabout on benefit scams, a bag snatcher, a mugger of old people, drive a black Seat at 140kph on Spanish roads at the same time tailgating and overtaking on the inside lane, become a call centre robot, work for one of the Chinese Triads, maybe become a real hoodlum and apply for an intern post in one of the banks still left standing.” He chewed loudly on yet another Bonio as he thoughtfully considered my advice. “The bank idea sounds OK,” he answered, stifling another yawn, “although I’d rather steal from them. If I must work, I’d prefer to have a more lasting effect on the country, something that will go down in history. If I’m going to grow up to become a crook, I want to be a REAL crook!” “Well, in that case,” I replied after the briefest of pauses, “why don’t you become a Member of Parliament, the British Parliament?” And if he takes my sound advice, there’ll be no end of opportunities for all his accomplishments…


Pro tem, I’ve decided to call my advice column YOUR LOLA LIFELINE!. Pro tem, you understand, ‘cos, when my fame truly does go international, I may have to change it. After all, all my fans in the Middle East may think I’m offering help with my lifeline to those ghastly pirates off their coasts! So, if you have any problems or queries you’d like me to respond to (dealt with anonymously if preferred), don’t hesitate to let me know (or my PA, Nora) in the COMMENTS BOX BELOW!

However bizarre, outlandish or insoluble it may seem, I’ll have an answer to that dilemma of yours! So why hesitate any longer? Go on and write to me, Agony Aunt to the Blogosphere, in the comments box NOW!

And remember, YOUR LOLA LIFELINE! - your lifeline to a saner, more harmonious, beauteous world. Just like mine in fact!

LOL LOLA!

P.S. As you know, I'm a French breed and adore all things French! The lovely Karyn at French Charminghas a French giveaway (which would look sooo charmant on my coiffure commode!). Go visit her gorgeous site now!