EVER OK TO SWEAR AT WORK?

IS IT EVER OK TO SWEAR AT WORK?

Dear readers, do you think it’s ever OK to swear at work?

****-laden tirades against chefs and kitchen staff have become Gordon Ramsay’s signature dish, while Malcolm Tucker, the BBC's fictional Downing Street director of communications in The Thick of It barely opens his mouth without uttering a four-letter word or six.

Swearing can help you let off steam at work but has turning the air blue ever caused you long-lasting problems with colleagues? Might it be better to institute a swear box – at the rate of £1 ($1.50 ) for every expletive – to create a biscuit fund? Might everyone then benefit from those tension-busting episodes... or not?!

What do you think, my dear readers? What's the worst expletive you've ever uttered at work? Time to 'fess up: you know your secret's safe with me ~ and my thousands of lovely readers!! Do let me know!

Have a splendid Six **** Saturday! Check out other 6WS posts at Show My Face!
XOXO LOLA:)

YOUR LOLA LIFELINE!

THE COLUMN THAT GIVES YOU, DEAR READERS, LOLA POWER!


Well, my dear readers, I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed you all since my last post! The reason is that Nora, my PA, who types up all my profound thoughts has not only been very busy away on a long business trip but also just started a wonderful new column in EURO WEEKLY NEWS a terrific English language newspaper with the biggest free distribution in Spain which is read by over a quarter of a million people every week and which you can catch every Thursday online! Her column’s called: Breaking Views and the very first article’s published today on page 27! She’d really love to know what you think about it (and later articles too) but, better still, email dear Mrs Ed (see page 40) at mrsed@euroweeklynews.com.

Nora’s promised me, too, she’ll type up more of my Lola Lifeline columns and even give away more of my Lola Awards (below) in another entertaining Lola Awards post that was such great fun last time!

But, first, please write in to Mrs Ed NOW!!


Well back now, dear readers, to this month’s edition of YOUR LOLA LIFELINE! And my postbag’s full to bursting as usual with queries and dilemmas from so many of you! And, as usual, I’ve picked out the most urgent and pressing to share.


1. First up is another query from Alfie, my puppie-nephew (left).
Ooh, Nora! You are sooo useless! Most incompetent PA ever! Post the pic of Alfie below immediately...!









Now the good news is that Alfie had a wonderful time at his Harley Davidson rally in the US this Summer thanks to Pet Airways http://petairways.com/ as I advised in my last post. The bad news is that his girl-friend, Tara (below),and his chum, Antonio, are now an item! Alfie is naturally heart-broken and desperately wants to win her back. What can he give her for Christmas that would really impress? Also, another problem is that he’s not a good conversationalist (unless the topic’s HD which Tara can’t stand!). What’s Lola's advice?



Dear Alfie,
I have just the ticket! Why not buy Tara her very own Membership Card to VIP Pets (right),Andalucia’s just-opened, most luxurious pet resort with underfloor heating, TV and internet for its pet clients! It even has a Spa with individual swim sessions in its heated pool for weight loss or just plain fun! And if that’s not enough, Tara’s Membership Card will also entitle her to a 20% discount for all services: grooming, hydrotherapy, Spa and Boutique (with its exclusive Puppy Angels clothing and accessories range below left).

I understand, too, that Tara’s something of a chocoholic. But she won’t be impressed by any ordinary chocolate, however expensive like Chocopologie by Knipschild at $2,600 a pound! Oh, no! Now what would make a lasting impression on her would be a chocolate that’s completely different from anything else she’s ever tasted. In other words, one with a UNIQUE flavour! So what you should also give her, Alfie, is chocolate by Al Nassma of Dubai (below), the first chocolate made with camel’s milk! (Should now be available from Harrods!)

And as for entertaining Tara, you can’t go far wrong with cracking a few jokes! Here’s a few to start with:




Woman takes her duck to the vet. He says, "Sorry, it’s dead."
She says, "I don’t believe it."
Vet calls in a labrador dog. Dog sniffs the body of the duck, lowers his head dolefully, shakes it left to right and walks out. In comes a cat, licks the duck, lowers head, sadly nods. Leaves.
Vet says, "That’ll be £1,000."
She says, "That’s outrageous."
Vet responds, "It would have been £200 but you’ve got to add in the lab report and the cat scan."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Girl, to amorous boyfriend: "Go easy.I’m a virgo intacta."
Boy: "Oh, I can speak Latin too. I’m infra dig!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The manager of my local Snappy Snaps told me off today. Must have been something negative I’d said!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear readers, that’s my advice to Alfie. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for him?


2. Next up is a query from Gordon Romsey, London (left)

Dear Lola,
I desperately want to become a celebrity and earn shedloads of cash like Simon Cowell and Susan Boyle. But I don’t have any real talents. I can’t sing, act, cook or play football. In fact, I can’t do anything. Should I just give up?

Dear Gordon,
No, certainly not! Simply go on Reality TV (below) and utter foul-mouthed obscenities! You’ll become an overnight success!

Dear readers, that’s my advice to Gordon. Do you agree?



Well, mes chers lecteurs, sadly that’s all we have time for today! But remember, if you have any problems or queries you’d like me to respond to, don’t hesitate to let me know (or my PA, Nora) in the COMMENTS BOX BELOW! However weird, outlandish, insoluble it may seem, I’ll have an answer to that Desperate Dilemma of yours! So why hesitate any longer? Go on! Write to me, Agony Aunt to the Stars, in the comments box NOW!

And now, dear readers, I’ll wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and creep back to my basket for my beauty sleep (yawn), but do help yourselves to a piece of Laduree candy (below) on your way out! And thank you so much for all your kind comments while I was away and I'm already looking forward to seeing you all again soon! And do please close that door quietly... still recovering from all these riotous Christmas parties! Where’s that expresso I asked for? (snore)

P.S. Oh, and please don’t forget to email Dear Mrs Ed with your comments about Nora’s new column!!





Grrrh! Grrh! Agh! Agh! Agh!Grrh! Grrh! Grrh! Agh! Agh! Agh!!
No, you useless PA! I don’t mean that eye candy.




I mean THIS!

XOXO LOL LOLA:)

YOUR LOLA LIFELINE!

THE COLUMN THAT GIVES YOU, DEAR READERS,LOLA POWER!

The first query out of my bulging postbag this week comes from the Magnificent Mme Moonspinner at DUSTJACKET ATTICwho has admitted in the past to a slight touch of shyness. And so here’s my advice!

ONE OF THOSE DREADFUL PIRATES!

1. Dear Mme Moonspinner,
If you haven’t booked that summer vacation yet, I have just the ticket. Literally! A pirate cruise! Now, I don’t mean one of those dreadfully drunken-walking-the-gang-plank type affairs (above)! But a REAL pirate cruise! Wealthy Russian holidaymakers, you see, are paying up to £3,500 (US $5,000) a day for so-called "pirate cruises" in luxury liners off the Somali coast! They are given weapons and, though ‘protected’ by crack troops, are encouraged to open fire should pirates attack!
MME. MOONSPINNER AS SLAVE!!

Now, my dear Mme Moonspinner, imagine yourself on this pirate cruise. And Somali pirates boarding the ship about to attack you! If you don’t make an INSTANT decision and OPEN FIRE, you may well find yourself kidnapped and either sold on as another hostage for the Taliban in Helmand Province or, a far, far worse fate for a self-confessed blogaddict like yourself (remember your BAA Ten Step Plan?), sold on as part of the white slave trade to deepest Africa (above). Far from any internet connection!! Far from your blogpals. Incommunicado! For ever!

Any remaining shyness or reserve you may still have been harbouring, Mme Moonspinner, cured at a stroke! Guaranteed!

Well, my dear readers, that’s my advice to Mme Moonspinner. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for her?
　
And now a query from Hugo Gold-Ingot-ffrench, Cheyne Walk, Chelsea, London:

HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT

2. Dear Lola,
My ambition is to become a British MP. But with all the reforms to the expenses system Gordon Brown is planning, how will I be able to make ends meet on a basic annual salary of £65,000 (US $100,000) plus inflation-linked pension pot plus expenses plus lucrative outside jobs plus unlimited perks?

Dear Hugo,
I’m frankly puzzled why you should want to become an MP. After all, when justifying their income, current MPs continually moan just how arduous the job is and how hard they work. Yet strangely there never seems to be a shortage of applicants for this terrifying job whenever a vacancy arises! But you seem set on your plan, Hugo, so here’s my advice.
EU PARLIAMENT, BRUSSELS

Lola’s advice:
Now that the House of Commons gravy train is running into a siding (where profiting tax free from the sale of a property partly funded by the taxpayer or designating it as a second home immediately before renovating it - not just once, but several times - isn’t "breaking the rules"), why not hop aboard the EU gravy train and become an MEP in Brussels (above)? After all, one of the UK’s average, not particularly career-minded MEPs recently channelled through a family firm more than £400,000 (US $600,000) of his "expenses"! Just think, Hugo, what an ambitious man like YOU might be able to achieve!

Well, my dear readers, that’s my advice to Hugo. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for him?

And last but not least, a query from George from LA, California:

GEORGE, LA

Oops! My PA, Nora’s screwed up again! Now back to OUR George:

3. Dear Lola,
My dream is to go on The Apprentice TV Show but I’m shy, suffer from low self-esteem and have little self confidence. Donald Trump (below) or Sir Alan Sugar would make mincemeat out of me! My wife doesn’t help either as she’s always bossing me about. In fact, I’m just a doormat she simply tramples on! Should I just forget my dream? What do you advise?
DONALD TRUMP!

Dear George,
No, don’t forget your dream, just forget your wife! First, divorce her. Next watch one TV series (one will be enough) of Gordon Ramsay’s Hell’s Kitchen (below). He’s a master at what he does and, in no time at all, you too will have a black belt in the art of foul-mouthed aggression. Congratulations!
GEORGE, YOUR ROLE MODEL!

Dear readers, that’s my advice to George. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for him?

Well, mes chers lecteurs, sadly that’s all we have time for today! But remember, if you have any problems or queries you’d like me to respond to (dealt with anonymously if preferred), don’t hesitate to let me know (or my PA, Nora) in the COMMENTS BOX BELOW! However weird, outlandish, insoluble it may seem, I’ll have an answer to that Desperate Dilemma of yours! So why hesitate any longer? Go on! Write to me, Agony Aunt to the Stars, in the comments box NOW!

And remember, YOUR LOLA LIFELINE! - your lifeline to a saner, more harmonious, beauteous world. Just like mine in fact!

xx LOL LOLA:)

STOP PRESS! ~ YOUR LOLA LIFELINE!

THE COLUMN THAT GIVES YOU POWER, MY DEAR READERS!
My mail bag and in-box are simply full to bursting this week with queries and dilemmas from all my dear readers in response to my invitation to let me help with your problems! So I’ve had to be very selective and pick out the most urgent and pressing.

1.Top of the list is one from a charming reader PINKLEA who’s frighteningly much bigger than me but reassuringly pink-hued and friendly! (Above left.) Pinklea informs me she’s imminently leaving for Greece (lucky Pinklea!!) with her daughter, the Divine DD, for an 18 day holiday with a small suitcase. What clothes should she take?
MY FAVOURITE PIC OF THE ACROPOLIS!

DEAR PINKLEA,
Yes, ma chère Pinklea, I know Greece well but the problème for moi is always the same: my fabulous fur and how to keep it cool! As for what I get my PA, the useless Nora, to pack, that’s quite simple. Loose, pure cotton (but beautiful, mind) wraparound dresses (Issa-style, below) and SOMBRERO! (modelled below right).
MY CHUM ANTONIO KEEPING COOL!

The issue, as you know, is one of shade (or lack thereof) and herein lie TWO problems:

Firstly, the problem of THE RUINS. Ruins are, well just that …ruins! ie No roofs. No walls. No terraces. Nada to shade you from the scorching sun! Sooo inconsiderate of those ancient Greeks to leave the place in such a state of disrepair - cowboy builders, you see, even then!
MY FAVOURITE DELPHI PIC!

Secondly, the problem of THE TREES (olive trees specifically, see below) - a double whammy since they provide zero shade AND drop ugly black olives (like goat caca) which lodge in all that fabulous fur of mine. Ugh! Sooo U-G-L-Y!
OLIVE CACA!

Lola’s advice:
Now I always get my PA (Nora) to walk beside me with a large parasol (which can be purchased on arrival since you’ll only have a small case) and a hand-held fan (which Nora holds at the ready to cool down all that fabulous fur of mine).

So there you have it! Pure cotton outer wear, comfortable footwear for clambering over all those ruins (ruinous on the nail polish), large hat, fan, parasol (and someone to carry it! How about the Divine DD?)

Incidentally, my canine spies in Greece tell me that the Greeks love babies and flags! If the former isn’t maybe feasible at such short notice, how about a Canuck flag (below)?
ONE OF MY HUMAN CHUMS HOLDING CANUCK FLAG!

BTW Have the Greek authorities been forewarned of the imminent arrival of a frighteningly tall pink furry person with a huge parasol in one hand and waving a Canuck flag in the other? (Something like my American chum, Bart, pictured below, perhaps?)
MY CHUM BART!

Well, my dear readers, that’s my advice to Pinklea. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for her?

2. My second query was sent in anonymously by a lovely reader from Blogs*hh*ire, England who simply calls herself *Harassed Housewife*.
ANOTHER HARASSED HOUSEWIFE!

DEAR LOLA,
I recently got married and the tradition in my husband’s family is for the daughters-in-law (there are 4 of us!) to take it in turns to lay on a HUGE spread for the extended family (ten adults and innumerable kids - I’ve lost count!) Whilst I can cook, I’m not used to such large numbers and also the fact that my mother-in-law is a PERFECTIONIST! Help! Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life at the stove? What should I do?

DEAR *HH*,
You have 3 options:

1. Book yourself onto the next series of Kitchen Nightmares.
Advantage: Gordon Bleu cuisine.
Disadvantage: Gordon Ramsay.

2.Since you can't whisk them out to dinner, order in catered food from your favourite local restaurant (or, alternatively, from M & S who, I understand from my undercover spies, still do acceptable ‘party’ food - assuming, of course, Harrods Food Hall is too far away). Garnish with a few sprigs of parsley etc and, voilà!, casually pass the whole thing off as all your own work (assuming MIL voices her approval of ‘your’ cuisine, of course!!)
Advantage: Minimal effort.
Disadvantage: Doesn’t get you off the hook since you’ll still have to cook once a month for 10 adults plus assorted offspring for the rest of your married life!

3. Order in catered food as per #2 above. Add a judicious amount (a few tablespoons, oops!! teaspoons!) of chili powder to MIL’s curry and mix in well. Ensure all OTHER curries are chili-free and serve. When MIL is spluttering and gulping back bottles of water, look sooo surprised and calmly enquire what’s wrong since everyone else is sooo enjoying the meal.
Advantage: MIL will be either, at best, hugely embarrassed or, at worst, scared you’re trying to poison her! Either way, she’ll ensure ALL future meals on your watch are taken elsewhere! Probably at her house where she can keep a beady eye on the ingredients…
Disadvantage: None (except for very guilty conscience!)
LOLA'S FAVOURITE VINTAGE COOKBOOK!

Whichever option you choose, *HH*, you can at least take comfort from the fact you CAN cook! Nora’s efforts, on the other hand, leave sooo much to be desired! But more on that another time…

And so, dear readers, that’s my advice to *HH*. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for her?

And, last but not least, a query from Sir Fred Goodwhine (below):

No! Just checking you’re still paying attention at the back there, especially the latecomers giggling in the corner (in particular, Mme M, Mme. *HH*, Mlle. KFC (!!) and too many others to count)!
And so back to Sir Fred (above)
who used to work in an anonymous but well-known British high street bank (below, one of the anonymous but well-known high-street banks):

DEAR LOLA,
I’m desperate to make pots of money with the minimum of effort. Can you advise? (Sir Fred Goodwhine, Scotland).
BLACKBEARD HEDGE FUNDS INC. (RIGHT)

DEAR SIR FRED,
Simple! Become a Chief Executive of a major bank or Hedge Fund (above), create absolute mayhem (for customers, pictured below) in the shortest possible time and before anyone takes the ‘If in doubt, cut it out!’ route and sacks you, offer to resign PROVIDED you receive as compensation a disproportionately huge, feather-bedded, inflation-proof pension pot.

Dear readers, that's my advice for Sir Fred. Agree/disagree? Any other suggestions?

Well, mes chers lecteurs, sadly that’s all we have time for today! But remember, if you have any problems or queries you’d like me to respond to (dealt with anonymously if preferred), don’t hesitate to let me know (or my PA, Nora) in the COMMENTS BOX BELOW!

However weird, outlandish, insoluble (or outlandishly,weirdly insoluble) it may seem, I’ll have an answer to that Desperate Dilemma of yours!

So why hesitate any longer? Go on and write to me, Agony Aunt to the Blogosphere, in the comments box NOW!And remember, YOUR LOLA LIFELINE! - your lifeline to a saner, more harmonious, beauteous world. Just like mine in fact!

LOL LOLA!