'Y' IS FOR *Y*OUR LOLA LIFELINE:LOLA'S GUILTY SECRET!

Hi, I’m back, dear readers! But like all those shameful British MPs, I have a guilty secret! Mine isn’t, though, to do with the acquisition of moats, duck islands and phantom mortgages paid for by the taxpayer, but in not revealing to you, all my dear new readers, some of my beauty secrets! You see, I’ve recently received sooo many requests to my famous Column, Your Lola Lifeline, for advice about how to look great this summer that I’ve decided to update the advice I gave a whole year ago (apologies to all my dear, older, oops, loyal readers!).

Apologies, too, about the delay in posting this urgent and essential information! As you know, my P.A., Nora, recently had to travel to the UK which dragged on ‘cos of bizniz ishoos till THIS week! And of course, since she’d turned off that laptop thingie, I couldn’t deal with all the shedloads of fanmail in her absence! Believe me, I’ve got zillions more fans than Lady Gaga!

Anyway, now I’ve access at last to you, my dear readers, I am going to reveal a little more about myself. And let you into the secrets of my FAME! Not just a few secrets, mind - but TEN! My top TEN tips of loveliness, no less - hitherto secrets known only to me! So listen up!

LOLA’S TOP TEN TIPS OF LOLA~LOVELINESS!

1. Never leave the house without the most on-trend coiffure.

You never know, maybe a model scout, seeing your gorgeous ‘bichon head’ while out shopping may insist you’re the next Kate BichonMoss!

2. Never leave the house without the most on-trend designer outfit.

You never know who’s dogging your every move snapping away like a corgi on crack. Before you know it, you too could be on the next cover of ChienVogue!

3. Move gracefully. Show tact, charm and charisma at all times.

Bo Obama, the FDOTUS (pictured below), might even pick up a tip or two about poise and elegance.

4.Think beautiful thoughts - always.

Even if your P.A. is writing endless drivel, wreaking havoc, unsupervised, before your very eyes and driving you crazy!

5. Say clever things constantly.

Even that USELESS P.A. (above) should pick something up! (Well, maybe not in my P.A.’s case … Should I take on an intern? What do you think?)

6. Think of Daniel Craig in his Bond trunks-scene.

(No! Hang on! Just checking you’re still paying attention at the back there, girls!) Seriously, drink lots of water to keep your fabulous fur moisturised and eat well but sensibly. Now, as you know, I’m quite fastidious but I’m not one of those carb-dodging ladies who are unable to order a dish in a restaurant without five or six qualifications ("Hold the egg white!", "A couple of tiny oysters is all I can manage!", "My bottled water must be from Fiji!"), and then always find some small slice of dog chew or sliver of bonio biscuit to have discreetly removed. No, I eat well but - carefully (got to watch those terrific thighs of mine!).

7. Exercise infrequently, put your paws up whenever possible.

After all, you don't want to end pawsibly muscle-bound like Muscular Madonna, do you?
Ugh! Sooo unladylike! Sooo U-G-L-Y!

8. Show off your fabulous fur décolletage.

After all, it was Elizabeth Taylor who once said: "If you've got it, flaunt it!" And look how many partners she got through!

9. Rest as much as you can.

Always get others to do things - even if it's NEVER to your own high standards. It will give them something to aim at. After all, everyone needs goals! Even, my dear readers, unattainable ones!

10. Aim at perfection - always!
Remember, when all around you are sliding down the slippery slope of sloppiness (left pic), YOU (right pic) will be a BEACON OF BOUNDLESS BEAUTY in a DESERT OF DEVASTATING DEFICIENCY!

Ooh, sooo much effort has made me sooo sleepy (yawn). I need that beauty sleep NOW!

WELL, DEAR READERS, THAT'S MY GUILTY SECRET! WHAT'S YOURS?

XOXO LOLA:)

PS My P.A.'s off for a long weekend, so see you again next week for Alphabe-Thursday - and check out Jenny Matlock's great site!

"M" IS FOR ... MY LOLA LIFELINE!

THE COLUMN THAT GIVES YOU, DEAR READERS, L~O~L~A POWER!

Well, dear readers, welcome to the latest edition of Alphabe-Thursday where M stands for MY (and YOUR!) LOLA LIFELINE! And my postbag’s full to bursting with queries and dilemmas from so many of you! And, as usual, I’ve picked out the most urgent and pressing to share.

1. First up is another query from my puppy-nephew, Alfie (left).
Ooh, Nora! You are sooo useless!
Most incompetent PA ever! Post the pic of Alfie below immediately...!
Dear Lola,
Last December, I was more organized than usual about sending Christmas gifts to relatives in Australia, instead of leaving them til the last minute! For Uncle Ben and Auntie Jen, who have very racy interests, I bought some really explicit, X-rated DVDs. My Grandma asked for some highly religious books from a local publisher. But when I took the parcels to the post office, I was in a bit of a rush and think I may have got the labels the wrong way. ‘Cos I haven’t heard from either relative since, I can’t sleep for worrying about the mix up. And I daren’t tell Mum the truth! What should I do, Aunt Lola?

Dear Alfie,
Stop worrying, Alfie! Christmas is about surprises and life-changing experiences. It’ll probably do Auntie and Uncle the world of good to have the opportunity to contemplate the more spiritual side of life while Grandma could turn out to be far more broad-minded than you think. Or you could tell her it’s the latest trendy nature programmes from the ever-resourceful, budget-conscious, cost-cutting BBC!
Dear readers, that’s my advice for Alfie. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for him?


2. Next up is a query from Tamara, Alfie’s squeeze (left).
Dear Lola,
I’m a hard-up student but I do like to wear the latest trends in makeup and clothes! But every time I dress up, I end up looking like a cross between the potter, Grayson Perry (right) and one of Viz magazine’s Fat Slags! I’ve got a hot date soon with Alfie and naturally want to look ravishing! What do you advise?

Dear Tamara,
As a teenager on a tight budget, it’s not easy getting clothes and slap just right! I hear you’re going to London this weekend so I suggest you pop into one of the big Department stores like Harrods, Harvey Nicks or Selfridges and make for a beauty bar (such as Armani) for a free makeover and makeup tips. After that, seek out the personal shopper’s free advice as to a drop-dead outfit for your date. I know how difficult all this is for you. You see, Nora, my P.A., for instance, now looks reasonably OK (see her pic in sidebar, on right). But that’s after she got expert advice on diet and dress. If you want to see how she looked before, click HERE
Dear readers, that’s my advice for Tamara. Agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for her?

3. Next up is a query from Mr Romsey, London (left)
Dear Lola,
After restaurant closures, declining profits and lost Michelin stars, I really need to do something different, something that no other top chef has done, something that’s going to give me fantastic PR! So I’ve thought of diversifying into a totally new gastronomic market - haute cuisine baby food! Which I’d sell in my restaurants! This way, I’d not only attract more and more mums into my restaurants to buy it and stay on for lunch but also have their kids grow up hopefully addicted for life to MY food! What do you think Lola?

Dear Mr Romsey,
Well, I think this is a no-brainer! And potentially a double whammy for you! You’d not only be selling to babies but also to, wait for it, ADULTS since German baby food firm, Hipp (Mr Hipp above) says 25% of its consumers are adults!! And the reason? Apparently, they find baby food (left) easier to swallow and digest! Well, swallow that if you will! What’s the world coming to? Is everyone losing their teeth or simply becoming a bit, well, demented? Well, whatever the reason, Mr Romsey, you can’t fail! My advice is: go for it!
Dear readers, that’s my advice for Mr Romsey. Agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for him?!
Well, dear readers, sadly that’s all we have time for today! But remember, if you have any problems or queries you’d like me to respond to (dealt with anonymously if preferred), don’t hesitate to let me know (or my P.A., Nora) in the COMMENTS BOX BELOW! However weird, outlandish, insoluble it may seem, I’ll have an answer to that Desperate Dilemma of yours! So why hesitate any longer? Go on! Write to me, Agony Aunt to the Stars, in the comments box NOW!

And remember, YOUR LOLA LIFELINE! - your lifeline to a saner, more harmonious, beauteous world. And now I’m going to creep back to my basket for my beauty sleep (yawn), but do help yourselves, my dear readers, to the Pierre Herme macarons on your way out! Oh, btw, I shall be MIA for the next few days ’cos Nora’s off on another brief business trip and, as you know, she’s the one who transcribes all my deeply profound thoughts! But, like Arnie (above), I WILL be back very, very soon!! Promise!!
Have a great Alphabe-Thursday! And check out other great Alphabe-Thursday posts @ Jenny Matlock’s marvellous site!
XOXO LOLA:)