HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE MARIA? A TRAGICALLY, TRUE TALE ...

Got back from Spanish class yesterday, shaken and not a little stirred. Because of Jesús.

Jesús, you may recall, is our teacher. I’ve added the italics because he spends more class time talking about (through?) his personal problems than the other stuff (like teaching us?). Currently, it transpires, he’s trying to resurrect his broken engagement (he and Dolores were due to marry this summer and move into a new apartment until, that is, the development company he’d gone with went bust and lost all their money).

He’s since been virtuously trying all sorts of surprises and jollies to tempt her back. Trips to the cinema (though suffers from claustrophobia), trips into the countryside (despite bad dose of hay fever), trips shopping (hates shops, period). He even declared he was planning to take her to Granada today (a bank holiday) to tour the Alhambra. Until, that is, he discovered demand is so great (8,000 visitors a day) there’s currently a minimum two week advance booking requirement. So no point going there then.

Almost saintly in fact. But perhaps not quite enough. And the reason for yesterday’s outburst.

Dolores has apparently laid down a precondition of her own. Namely, if they do get back together and if they eventually marry, any daughter will bear the name of her grandmother, a family tradition.

Well, OK, we all shouted at Jesús. Fair enough, what the hell’s the problem then? What’s in a name? After all, take a name like Dolores for instance, that sounds fine, doesn’t it?

The problem, he replied seething, isn’t in a name like Dolores - full, legal name “Maria de los Dolores” (Mary of Sorrows) because it can so easily be shortened.

By now, some of us were starting to lose the thread and not a little patience. Yes, and…?

At last, he got a sufficient grip to carry on. No, the problem lies, he rasped, in her grandmother’s full, legal name - “Maria del Socorro” or Mary of Perpetual Succour or, simply, Succour …

And this problem, he explained, goes all the way back to Franco who, rather like Lloyd Webber over half a century later, had a hand in trying to deal with it. He (Franco, that is; Lloyd Webber didn’t, to the best of my knowledge, go quite so far) issued many decrees, some bad, others more so.

One of the worst - and still prevalent - states that all baby girls not christened after a saint (like Teresa, Agnes etc) or religious concept - “Concepción” (Conception), Encarnación” (Incarnation) - either had to add “Maria” to the first name (so Ana suddenly became Anamaria) or to a shrine/ site of vision: thus “Maria del Rosario” (Mary of the Rosary), "María del Pilar" (Mary of the Pillar), "María de los Ángeles" (Mary of the Angels), "María de la Luz” (Mary of the Light) and so on.

And, Jesús added, the “Maria” problem isn’t just confined to baby girls. It can also be added to a boy’s name as in the case of former prime minister, José Maria Aznar, whose nickname, Pepe (Joe), offers yet another historical conundrum. Everyone assumes that’s derived linguistically - albeit bizarrely - from José (Joseph). Nothing of the kind, snorted Jesús. In fact, it’s derived from the pronunciation of the initials P.P. - since in monasteries during the reading of the Scriptures, St Joseph was always referred to as Pater Putativo, or simply P.P., putative father of Christ.

During the bank holiday weekend, I know Jesús will be in high dudgeon and deep contemplation. And I also know that, instead of doing the homework he’s set for Monday’s class, I too will be in deep contemplation - of ways to solve the intractable problem that is Maria.

FOOTNOTE:

P loves Spain (possesses, I swear, a solar-powered psyche) and has recently been talking up the advantages of acquiring Spanish nationality. However, since under Spanish law this would necessitate two surnames - hence Nora Johnson Johnson and The Johnson Johnson Diaries - this got, from me this time, a particularly withering look…

JESUS'S ANNUS FABULUS (HE HOPES)

The first Spanish class after the Christmas break and Jesús was in buoyant mood. Ecstatic almost. In fact, after his depressive state towards the end of last year, his mood swings - at times verging on the extreme - would bring to mind, in anyone else, thoughts of bi-polar illness. But Jesús has, after all, been through the mill recently - financially as well as emotionally - so wouldn’t that test anyone’s strength of character, resilience, not to mention mental state?

What he was specifically pleased about was the way he’d been feted by his home town during their annual los Reyes Magos celebrations. Chosen as one of the Three Kings - a huge honour - he laughingly described how, with the help of dancers, magicians and musicians, he'd paraded on his beautifully decorated float through the streets on Monday evening in long processions tossing out handfuls of traditional sweets to the hundreds of assembled children lining the route. When he was a child, he recalled, he’d been glad to catch a sweet or two. Yesterday though all the kids were holding out outsize carrier bags and holdalls to increase their takings. Yet another sign of the credit crunch beginning to bite here?

Another factor that had, somewhat surprisingly, cheered him up was an article he showed us from a local newspaper. It recounted the well-worn stories about town hall corruption, coupled with administrative incompetence, leading to tens of thousands of illegal properties having been built in Spain during the recent boom – 19,000 in Marbella alone. Thousands have been bought by unwitting homeowners, who now live under threat of demolition and are trapped because they can’t sell. One elderly couple even had their Andalusian home demolished before their eyes last January, despite having planning permission from the town hall. And, have been denied any compensation, are still living in a garage without water or electricity.

We all looked at Jesús speculatively. What on earth was there about this news that made him so cheerful?

Well, he replied, at least I’m not trapped for the rest of the year in that illegal apartment under threat of demolition. At least all I lost was my deposit… I’m one of the lucky ones. Yes, this new year is going to be a good one for me. The best ever. I can sense it already…

As we left, none of us spoke. We were all probably having the same thought. About Jesús’s true state of mind.

JESUS & THE EUROPEAN PARLIAMENT

Christmas and New Year may be over but the celebrations here are far from over for children because los Reyes Magos (the Three Kings/Wise Men) have yet to arrive. And Jesús may not have been one of the winners in the recent Christmas lottery, El Gordo, but he’s nevertheless struck lucky in his home town in northern Andalucia where he’s spending the holidays. For this year he’s been invited to be one of the Reyes - an honorific title as important to him for his participation in this civic celebration as Mayordomo del Trono de la Virgen de las Lágrimas y Favores must be to Antonio Banderas for his during Malaga’s Holy Week.

So Jesús, together with all the other Kings, will parade across towns throughout Spain on the evening of January 5th before visiting households - like Santa before them - to leave yet another stash of gifts traditionally opened the next day. However, if children have been naughty in 2008, they get a piece of coal instead of the presents they asked for. Could this be one of the reasons Spanish children are so well behaved in restaurants and other public places - infinitely better than their British counterparts? Perhaps Britain should introduce this stick and carrot approach too …

To Jesús’s disgust, the European Parliament has even tried to muscle in on the Reyes Magos celebrations. Traditionally, the Roscón de Reyes ("Epiphany crown"), a sweet bread baked in the form of a crown, is eaten on January 6th and has always contained small toys or coins. A porcelain figure of a baby wrapped in foil and a dry bean are hidden in the dough together with other surprises. Apparently whoever finds the baby will have good luck and be the Rey of the party, but the one with the bean has to pay for the cake! (Spanish infants learn early on the art of winning and losing.) The European Parliament, however, recently approved a motion preventing toys being concealed in food items but this was circumvented in Spain by reclassifying the toys in the roscón as "trinkets"! Much to Jesús’s satisfaction….

THE SAVIOUR OF THE WORLD - THE OTHER EL GORDO!

With the increasing economic downturn here, lottery ticket sales for El Gordo (The Fat One) have bucked the trend among Spanish consumers who are having to cut back sharply. More Spaniards than ever are buying €20 tickets ahead of the big draw on Monday for one of the biggest lottery jackpots in the world - with €2.3 billion (£2.1billion) in prizes.

Spain is suffering the worst unemployment rate in Europe, at 12.8%, and one Madrid lottery office has said that some people were buying more than one ticket, risking all they had in the hope of winning a little money and solving all their problems. Just like Jesús.

Famously inveterate gamblers, Spaniards will take any chance to gamble. In every bar in the country, the fruit machine is a standard fixture and on each street corner there is a lottery booth. Figures for El Gordo tickets sold have not been released by the State Lottery and Betting organisation, but they have been rising steadily since Spain's troubles began after the crash of its construction sector last year.

Sales of the Euromillions lottery, for instance, rose by 16 % on 2007 and the Spring Gordo lottery sales increased by 9%. General weekly lottery sales rose 2.4 % until October, when people started concentrating on El Gordo.

The Christmas draw is the biggest of the year, attracting millions of Spaniards, as well as those - potentially - from around the world. In a sign though that Spain's economic gloom has even hit El Gordo, companies that traditionally gave tickets to employees as Christmas gifts have bought fewer this year. However, Professor Roberto Garcia, of the Carlos III University, Madrid, who has carried out a study of lotteries, believes El Gordo has been largely unaffected by the downturn because it brings society together and reinforces friendship and community spirit.

Not like Jesús then, having broken off his long-standing engagement with Dolores and staking his entire future on El Gordo - alone.

JESUS IN TEARS

Today began and ended in tears.

When I went down to fetch Lola for her morning exercise, Señora Noriega started reminiscing about her courting days and how she wished she’d met Juan Antonio then (the approach of the New Year always seems to make her maudlin). Mention of his name then started her off and before I could stop her, she was howling uncontrollably.

She wouldn’t let me leave until I’d promised I’d come back later today. But first I had to get to the last Spanish class of the year. And Jesús.

As a group, we had all clubbed together to buy him a gift token that he could redeem as he wished. For some CDs, a book or something for his beloved computer. And when he was handed the small envelope-sized package, his eyes lit up in surprise and, just for a second, he looked like a small boy again as he started tearing off the paper. But as he did so, he started to get quite emotional and tears welled up in his eyes. Immediately we were once again reminded what a bad year he’d had with the loss of the pre-payments on his apartment and consequent strain on his relationship with his fiancée.

The atmosphere was fast getting tense and, as everyone started looking apprehensive at the prospect of his breaking down altogether before he finished unwrapping it, I thought I’d try to diffuse the situation.

"Jesús, es turrón?", I asked, knowing full well how much he hates those sickly sweet, honey-coated almond delicacies which are as much a part of Christmas in Spain as mince pies are in Britain.

"No! No es turrón!" shouted indignantly all the Germans in unison as they turned on me, missing the irony while the only other Brit looked on, grinning broadly.

When at last he’d opened it up and read our messages on the enclosed card, he was very near to tears. "This is almost as good as winning El Gordo," he declared. Referring to next Monday’s huge lottery, The Fat One, which he, like millions of other cash-strapped Spaniards are pinning all their hopes on. More in the next post…

JESUS & THE COSTA DEL CORRUPTION - PART 3

Yesterday Jesús was fuming in class - again.

Spread out in front of him was a clutch of local newspapers on which his gaze was riveted. We’d come prepared to talk about the pros and cons of the mass media in general but Jesús seemingly only had eyes for the print media.

What especially incensed him, he explained eventually, was the news item on page one of all the papers depicting the release from prison on €150,000 bail of the smiling former Estepona mayor, Antonio Barrientos, and three other suspects in the so-called Astapa property corruption case.

It was then we remembered that it was in Estepona that Jesús, himself, was the victim of an off-plan property swindle with no apartment to show for all his early-stage payments.

"Just read what he - Antonio Barrientos - says to reporters when he’s released," fumed Jesús pointing to all the lead articles. "Let’s discuss this in class today - it’s far more relevant and topical."

None of us could disagree with that as we each grabbed a paper and started reading Barrientos's inspirational thoughts.

"This is an emotional moment for me. Men can’t be men if they are not free. I have a feeling of inner peace and a clear conscience, which is my greatest asset. I have always worked in the interests of the town as mayor and I hope that the case against me will be cleared up once and for all."

Barrientos, Jesús reminded us, had been in prison for six months and is accused of bribery, money laundering and misappropriation of public funds in the Astapa scandal uncovered in June. The investigating judge Isabel Conejo considered him to be the brains behind the corruption at the Town Hall, which involved "obtaining funds from businesspeople and developers to finance both public and private projects".

It was Barrientos’s final words to reporters, however, that stuck in Jesús’s throat. "A lot of decent, honest people have been implicated unfairly", the former mayor commented.

"Yes, and I’m one of them…" responded Jesús.

JESUS & THE COSTA DEL CORRUPTION - PART 2

Jesús is far from being the only victim of an off-plan property swindle - real estate scams are being uncovered here regularly - though I very much doubt if the latest revelation below will be of any consolation either to him or his erstwhile ‘fiancée’. (Having been defrauded of so much money, he says he can’t now afford to buy another apartment and so has had to postpone indefinitely any thought of getting married.)

Police in Andalucía have cracked open a fake real estate ring thought to have cheated 200 foreign property investors out of more than €65 million. So far two people have been arrested and 20 others charged with fraud.

The network, operating out of offices in Málaga, targeted foreign property investors, many of them British, at real estate fairs and through internet and telephone advertising, offering them the opportunity to invest off-plan in fictitious new developments on the Costa del Sol. To make their activities seem legitimate, the network had obtained land through offshore companies which it then foisted on front companies in Spain at inflated prices.

Furthermore, it exploited the fact that the investors were not in Spain to cover up their true intentions. After taking the investors’ money and having them sign apparently official contracts, none of the properties were ever built.

Property scandals, whether they involve foreign investors or Spanish nationals like Jesús, continue to cast a shadow over the Costa del Sol’s reputation. And it seems increasingly difficult to shake off the seedy, tarnished image of former Mayor Jesús Gil (above). But more on him in the next post…

JESUS & THE COSTA DEL CORRUPTION - PART 1

Jesús looked even more dejected than usual today. After class, he told us he’d just had it confirmed by his lawyer that there is no possibility whatsoever of recouping any of the money he’d paid to a property developer for the apartment he bought off-plan a year ago in Estepona.

With no property to show for all the early-stage payments, he didn’t find any consolation either, he added, in the latest news that at least twenty arrests have already been made in Estepona in a multi-million euro investigation centring on real estate corruption.

Termed Operation Astapa, the investigation, Jesús explained, is similar to Marbella’s Operation Malaya which I’ll describe in a later post. Apparently, about two dozen police arrived to shut down the town hall, while in depth searches went ahead and arrests made.

Mayor Antonio Barrientos, up to ten councillors and seventeen businessmen face a number of charges ranging from bribery and influence-trafficking to prevarication and money-laundering. In fact, one of the alleged crimes of greatest interest to Jesús was the reclassifying of land to be sold off to developers at below market prices. ‘My apartment block was due to be built on reclassified land,’ he moaned. The group are also said to have taken bribes in return for issuing licences.

Mayor Barrientos from the socialist PSOE party was arrested at his home in the Bahía Azul area of Estepona, after which a full scale search of his palatial home was carried out by members of the specialist UDYCO anti-organised crime unit.

The mayor took charge of the town in 2003 after making a pact with the now-defunct GIL party, a party set up by the notorious former Marbella mayor, Jesús Gil, who perhaps more than anyone allowed Marbella to become a byword for vulgarity and, yes - corruption.

LIFE'S A LOTTERY

Before he rushed off after the last class, Jesús briefly described where our upcoming intercambio de conversación fits in the Grand Plan or plan de educación bilingüe de Andalucía as it’s called here.

He explained that thousands of pupils throughout Andalucía (39,000 to be exact) are learning mathematics and other social and natural science subjects through English, French and German, as part of the ambitious bilingual education project introduced in 2005. Since then, a total of 80 primary and secondary schools in Malaga province alone have been participating.

The idea is, apparently, to improve the overall level of foreign languages by using these languages to teach other subjects on the curriculum. In primary schools, these include Knowledge of the Environment and another non-language course chosen by the school such as physical education while in secondary schools, the school chooses from Social and Natural Sciences subjects such as mathematics and technology.

However, according to Jesús, there is already a sense of anxiety about the entire project. Parents are asking if their children are receiving the same standard of education when they take a subject in a language of which they have only scant knowledge. (The level required in the target foreign language provides them with merely a general knowledge and is generally agreed too basic to be of any real practical value.)

Many pupils, too, have enough problems in learning the subjects in question in their own language. The qualifications of the teachers involved in the project are also being scrutinized since many of them have only a rudimentary knowledge of the language through which they are teaching!

And finally, a problem familiar to those of us in the UK. The case of those successful schools and academies where demand outstrips supply and where a selection system by lottery still arouses enormous controversy. No such qualms here in Andalucía though. Wherever demand outstrips supply, schools simply hold a lottery to decide who’s in and who’s out.

And parents can complain in vain that, while some classes in a subject are given in the desired foreign language, parallel ones in Spanish are all that are available for those who are out…

MISSING IN TRANSLATION...

Jesús is very preoccupied these days. Which we’ve learned to put down to his wrecked housing plans - and marriage hopes too no doubt. But today he seemed even more distracted than usual, rarely finishing sentences or questions, his words tailing off into the ether, seemingly in hot pursuit of his thoughts.

Anyway, during one of his less lucid moments, he asked us if we’d be interested in taking part in an intercambio… At this point, his voice broke off completely as he jumped up and rushed outside with his mobile, vaguely apologizing with flailing arms as he did so.

Immediately the whole class perked up, noticeably one or two of the men who started exchanging sly glances with one another. Whilst they’d recognised the "intercambio" bit, none of them - or us - had caught the rest of it though doubtlessly it was precisely the "intercambio" part that had grabbed their attention.

Now, whilst intercambio on its own means ‘exchange’, what the two men had understood (or hoped) Jesús’s final muttered words to have been was intercambio de parejas or ‘wife swapping’. Little wonder we’d never before seen these two (singles) look so happy or animated. They could hardly contain themselves until Jesús’s return ten minutes later.

He too looked considerably happier, though with Jesús you can never be sure. It could have been something relatively minor like whose turn it was- his or his fiancee’s - to do the shopping this week or something really important like fixing, at long last, their wedding day. Jesús simply doesn’t do self effacement; Jesús does ebullience.

In any event, on his return he put matters right - and the two singles in high dudgeon. Referring to the "intercambio" he’d mentioned earlier, he went on to explain what he’d had in mind. And as soon as he wrote the words on the whiteboard, no one was left in the slightest doubt as to their meaning. Intercambio de conversación. Or face to face conversation with native speakers which is taking place more and more in ‘bilingual Andalucia’ - probably more frequently than wife swapping …

But more on that (bilingualism, that is) in my next post.

JESUS & GORDON BROWN: YES, WE CAN!

Surprisingly, Jesús didn’t comment in the Spanish class this week about Lewis Hamilton’s recent win. In fact, he seemed a bit preoccupied.

At first, to get us to practise the conditional tense, he asked us what we would do with the "‘Gordo’ " as he put it. As this was the same day as the crucial (for Gordon Brown) Glenrothes by-election, I exchanged glances with the other Brits who fell about helplessly laughing. For a second, Jesús’s face registered, firstly, surprise then total bafflement at our unforgivable pig ignorance of such an essential part of Spanish life.

As we did our best to stifle the laughs, he gamely tried to educate us in Spanish culture as he went on to describe in detail precisely which ‘Gordo’ he had in mind. Namely, an event so important that many Spanish regard the day it takes place, December 22nd, as the real start of the Christmas festive season. El Gordo - ‘the fat one’ - the Spanish National Lottery jackpot.

The draw, he patiently explained, is shown on television in the morning while newspapers publish special editions solely with the list of winning numbers and photos of the winners spraying champagne on one another and around the ‘lucky’ place they purchased the ticket.

Finally, by way of bringing the class to an end, he said that if we wanted to get rich fast, we needed to start buying straightaway our participaciones, either from lottery vendors in street kiosks and shopping centres or from organisations ranging from bars to charities which buy numbers and redistribute them in smaller sums to clients and friends.

He’d already bought a large number, he added with a pained look on his face, since he was desperate to recoup some of the money he’d now unavoidably, categorically lost to a developer on his recent apartment purchase.

He looked so crestfallen we almost forgave him his earlier tirades against Lewis Hamilton. For we’d only just read in the local press reports that Spanish developers are so indebted they can’t drop prices any further without making a loss. "You can forget about prices falling 30%to 40% – I’ll give it to the bank before that," said Guillermo Chicote, president of the Association of Constructors and Developers of Spain, at a recent conference.

However, despite Chicote’s fighting talk, that’s probably what will happen. Dozens of developers, including Martinsa-Fadesa, one of Spain’s biggest, have already been forced into administration, causing mayhem for many British investors who have no property to show for their early-stage payments. And only goes to highlight the risk of buying off-plan in the current market: better to snap up something newly built, but already finished. Indeed, unless the government steps in and bails out the sector, large-scale repossessions of even new developments by the banks look likely too.

Well, let’s hope Jesús is equally lucky with El Gordo next month as Gordon was this.

Who needs Obama when there's El Gordo? Yes, we can!

RACISM, GAY RIGHTS & SPAIN'S INSULARITY

But racism in Spain isn’t just confined to motor racing. England's footballers were subjected to racist chants during a friendly against Spain at Real Madrid's Bernabeu Stadium in 2004. Sections of the Spanish crowd made monkey chants when Ashley Cole, Shaun Wright-Phillips and Jermaine Jenas touched the ball. The same year former Spanish coach Luis Aragones was fined more than £2,000 for making racist remarks about Arsenal player Thierry Henry. Indeed, more than one commentator has asked himself if Spain’s geographical position isn’t perhaps a major contributor to its insularity - and an explanation for its racism and, admittedly, less pronounced homophobia.

And now the usually discreet Queen Sofia of Spain has added to the dispute in La reina muy de cerca, The Queen Up Close, a biography to mark her 70th birthday that appeared in El Pais last week. In it, she reveals her thoughts not only on the Clintons, Obama, former Prime Minister Aznar and being fed meat by former King Hassan of Morocco (even though he knew she was a vegetarian) but, most controversially of all, gay rights.

"I can understand, accept and respect that there are people of other sexual tendencies, but should they be proud to be gay? Should they ride on parade floats and show up at demonstrations? If all of us who aren't gay came out to protest we would cause gridlock," she said in the book, written by Spanish journalist Pilar Urbano.

She then proceeded to an even more sensitive area, referring to Spain's recent law to legalize gay marriage, which provoked the fury of the Catholic Church. "If those people want to live together, dress up like bride and groom and marry, they could have a right to do so, or not, depending on the law of their country, but they should not call this marriage, because it isn't," she is quoted. "There are many possible names: social contract, social union".

The State Federation of Lesbians, Gays and Transsexuals immediately asked the Queen to withdraw her comments. "Many mothers of gays and lesbians are going to ask why the Queen understands that the Prince (Felipe) would marry a divorced woman (Letizia Ortiz), but she can't understand why other mothers wouldn't want that same happiness of marriage for their children," said the federation president, Antonio Poveda, who called her comments "a tremendous surprise". Sofia is known for her discretion, having seldom expressed herself publicly - let alone controversially - since arriving in Spain 46 years ago.

Returned to the throne by Franco, the Spanish monarchy generally enjoys strong support from the Spanish for its role in the transition to democracy. The favourable opinion stems in some measure from the pact of neutrality by which the monarchs do not take sides in national politics – allowing all parties to believe royalty on their side. This, however, didn’t prevent her from commenting on former Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar, who was said to have a difficult relationship with the monarchs. "He wasn't unpleasant with us," she said. "Perhaps something about his demeanour, his serious expression, didn't help him?"

By contrast, both she and her husband, King Juan Carlos, "connected very well" with the Clintons. "There was good chemistry very quickly," she noted.

However, lately some regional nationalists, especially in Catalonia, have been increasingly vocal in their anti-monarchist sentiment, with some youth activists burning photos of the king and queen, once unthinkable.

Jesus will probably use this as a topic for conversation in today’s Spanish class. Less certain though is if it will deflect his rage at Lewis Hamilton’s World Championship win at the weekend…

RACISM & THE SPANISH

As soon as I got home, I looked at the Spanish press to see how the event was being handled here. And that’s when I got the second shock of the day: Jesus is far from alone in his views.

My attention was immediately drawn to a Spanish website. Called Pincha la Rueda de Hamilton – ‘Burst Hamilton’s Tyre’ – it not only encourages visitors to leave virtual nails on a computer mock-up of the Interlagos racetrack to stop Hamilton becoming world champion on Sunday but is full of racist, personal abuse directed at formula one’s first mixed-race driver.

The website suggests that, if enough people take part, placing either nails, pins or, weirdly, porcupines on the track, they will be able to ‘will’ punctures in Hamilton’s car just as voodoo practitioners stick pins in a doll.

Among the racist messages left by some of the 27,000-plus visitors to the site, a continuation of the vendetta begun 12 months ago by fans of Fernando Alonso who found himself last season embroiled in a battle against Hamilton for the drivers’ championship, are those dubbing Hamilton a "n*****", "monkey" and "son of a b****".

One, calling himself ‘Carillo’, tells Hamilton: "Half-breed, kill yourself in your car." Another from ‘Alberto’ says: "I hope you run over your dad in the first pitstop, Hamilton" while ‘Charly’ writes: "If you don’t get a puncture, then Massa will crash into you". Yet another, referring to Hamilton as a ‘conguito’ ( a type of chocolate sweet with racist overtones) writes: "Conguito, you are going to die". And numerous ‘nails’ have been left out near the finishing line on lap 12.

Alonso's ignominious departure at the end of the season so enraged his Spanish fans that, during a pre-season test at Barcelona’s Circuit de Catalunya in February, Hamilton was greeted by racist insults (" a black s***") and Spanish fans with blackened faces wearing Afro wigs and T-shirts embellished with the words "Hamilton’s family".

That episode led to the Fédération Internationale de l’Automobile (FIA), the sport’s world governing body, fining the circuit and instituting an anti-racism campaign. The FIA is now likely to raise the issue with the Real Federación Española de Automovilismo, having previously threatened the Spanish motorsport authority with losing the Spanish Grand Prix if it didn’t get to grips with racism. Which it clearly hasn’t.

One final note about the website. In addition to the racist comments, it also contains homophobic references ( the Spanish gay community, meanwhile, is still reacting to remarks attributed to it recently by Spain’s Queen Sofia), attacks on Ron Dennis, the McLaren team principal, and Bernie Ecclestone, the Formula One commercial rights holder and, surprisingly, one message of support for Hamilton ("I’ll love you for ever"). Not from a Spanish fan then.

JESUS & RACISM

Got back from the Spanish lesson yesterday fuming.

About Jesús, our teacher, and racism. And all the sympathy I’d begun to feel for his current property predicament immediately evaporated.

Let me explain. Jesús bought off-plan an apartment in a nearby block intending to move in on its scheduled completion next summer - and marry his long-term girlfriend at the same time. However, the property crash in Spain has put an end to the one - if not the other.

At the beginning of the class, he’d been moaning about his doomed purchase and equally doomed marriage plans. And had everyone nodding their heads in sympathy. But the mood abruptly changed - at least for me - when he asked us in turn to give a short talk (in fractured Spanish) about a sport we enjoyed.

No sooner had the word ‘motor racing’ been mentioned than Jesús launched into a tirade about Lewis Hamilton and this weekend's Brazilian Grand Prix. His words, such as I could follow, weren’t abusive per se but certainly ‘dripping with poison’ as George Osborne so delicately described Lord Mandelson’s.

The rest of the class - mainly Germans with a sprinkling of Ukrainians and Icelanders - were again nodding their heads, this time in agreement. The former irked at the likelihood of Schumacher’s legacy being vanquished by a British champion, the latter simply glad to agree about something other than the failing economy of their respective homelands.

And so the class continued. And I managed to hold my tongue. Just...

WHAT, YET ANOTHER FIESTA?

Arrived at Spanish conversation class yesterday, late as usual and clutching in my sweaty hand last week’s homework, to find the whole building - the local town hall - closed. No sign of explanation anywhere. It was as I was leaving, despondently and somewhat puzzled, that the euro dropped. The fiesta taking place in a nearby town has been ‘adopted’ by this one and celebrated as a municipal event. Or rather, all the local municipal buildings close down and it’s yet another public holiday!

Jesús, our teacher, must have forgotten to mention it last week but then, he did seem a bit distracted, rushing off at the end to see his ‘abogado’ (lawyer) about some flat he’d bought off-plan. But judging by the dismal look on his usually cheerful face, it wasn't just the plan that was beginning to look off but the flat too. No doubt, it won’t be long before we hear all the details. Jesús likes to use any conceivable current event as a topic of conversation and, apart from the frequent fiestas which he naturally adores, his on-going house-hunting problems must take pride of place in the top ten we’ve discussed to date.

Speaking about records, Spain must occupy a place in the top ten countries of the world for the number of its official national public holidays - 18. Of these, the main ones are Semana Santa (Easter Holy Week) which is celebrated with huge religious fervour here in Andalucia; Los Reyes Magos (The Three Kings) on 6th January, a favourite with children because that’s the day they get their second helping of Christmas presents; and 25th July, the festival of Santiago (St James), Spain’s patron saint.

Then there are, in addition, the regional fiestas. Of these, the most important are the processions and bonfires of the Fallas of Valencia in March; the bonfires in Alicante and elsewhere on St John’s Day, 24th June; the festival of Moors and Christians in April in Alcoy, province of Alicante and the infamous bull-running in Pamplona, northern Spain, in the first week of July.

But the overall winner of the title of pseudo-Barbara Cartland-lookalike gaudiness of all regional fiestas is without doubt Seville’s Feria de Abril. Women enveloped in the most outrageously and hideously dayglo, skin-tight flamenco dresses vie with each other in flouncing up and down Seville’s beautiful avenues often to the accompaniment of snapping castanets. Or are driven around town in family-owned, horse-drawn open carriages flicking their fans in disdain at those not in possession of such luxury and battling their way through the seething, wine-drinking crowds. And, given that the average Spanish woman is not exactly petite, those skin-tight frocks don’t do any of them any favours - neither the average-looking woman flirting on a Feria street nor the immaculately-coiffed aristocrat in her private entertainment enclosure.

And last, but by no means least, are the local fiestas. In fact, every town and every village throughout Spain, however large or small, will have its own fiesta mayor, when their inhabitants let their hair down with processions, fairs, competitions, music, dancing and consumption of food and alcohol in much the same way as their ancestors have done for centuries. Madrid, for instance, celebrates the festival of San Isidro, the city’s patron saint, on 15th May. And on this single day, the sophisticated metropolis that is modern-day Madrid, turns into a collection of mini fiestas, each with its own village-like atmosphere, the residents celebrating the holiday just as their parents and grandparents before them.