THE JOHNSON DIARIES: Life on the Edge: December 2009

THE COLUMN THAT GIVES YOU, DEAR READERS, LOLA POWER!

Well, my dear readers, I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed you all since my last post! The reason is that Nora, my PA, who types up all my profound thoughts has not only been very busy away on a long business trip but also just started a wonderful new column in EURO WEEKLY NEWS a terrific English language newspaper with the biggest free distribution in Spain which is read by over a quarter of a million people every week and which you can catch every Thursday online! Her column’s called: Breaking Views and the very first article’s published today on page 27! She’d really love to know what you think about it (and later articles too) but, better still, email dear Mrs Ed (see page 40) at mrsed@euroweeklynews.com.

Nora’s promised me, too, she’ll type up more of my Lola Lifeline columns and even give away more of my Lola Awards (below) in another entertaining Lola Awards post that was such great

fun last time!

But, first, please write in to Mrs Ed NOW!!

Well back now, dear readers, to this month’s edition of YOUR LOLA LIFELINE! And my postbag’s full to bursting as usual with queries and dilemmas from so many of you! And, as usual, I’ve picked out the most urgent and pressing to share.

1. First up is another query from Alfie, my puppie-nephew (left).
Ooh, Nora! You are sooo useless! Most incompetent PA ever! Post the pic of Alfie below immediately...!

Now the good news is that Alfie had a wonderful time at his Harley Davidson rally in the US this Summer thanks to Pet Airways http://petairways.com/ as I advised in my last post. The bad news is that his girl-friend, Tara (below),and his chum, Antonio, are now an item! Alfie is naturally heart-broken and desperately wants to win her back. What can he give her for Christmas that would really impress? Also, another problem is that he’s not a good conversationalist (unless the topic’s HD which Tara can’t stand!). What’s Lola's advice?

Dear Alfie,
I have just the ticket! Why not buy Tara her very own Membership Card to VIP Pets (right),Andalucia’s just-opened, most luxurious pet resort with underfloor heating, TV and internet for its pet clients! It even has a Spa with individual swim sessions in its heated pool for weight loss or just plain fun! And if that’s not enough, Tara’s Membership Card will also entitle her to a 20% discount for all services: grooming, hydrotherapy, Spa and Boutique (with its exclusive Puppy Angels clothing and accessories range below

left).

I understand, too, that Tara’s something of a chocoholic. But she won’t be impressed by any ordinary chocolate, however expensive like Chocopologie by Knipschild at $2,600 a pound! Oh, no! Now what would make a lasting impression on her would be a chocolate that’s completely different from anything else she’s ever tasted. In other words, one with a UNIQUE flavour! So what you should also give her, Alfie, is chocolate by Al Nassma of Dubai (below), the first chocolate made wit

h camel’s milk! (Should now be available from Harrods!)

And as for entertaining Tara, you can’t go far wrong with cracking a few jokes! Here’s a few to start with:

Woman takes her duck to the vet. He says, "Sorry, it’s dead."
She says, "I don’t believe it."
Vet calls in a labrador dog. Dog sniffs the body of the duck, lowers his head dolefully, shakes it left to right and walks out. In comes a cat, licks the duck, lowers head, sadly nods. Leaves.
Vet says, "That’ll be £1,000."
She says, "That’s outrageous."
Vet responds, "It would have been £200 but you’ve got to add in the lab report and the cat scan."
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Girl, to amorous boyfriend: "Go easy.I’m a virgo intacta."
Boy: "Oh, I can speak Latin too. I’m infra dig!"
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The manager of my local Snappy Snaps told me off today. Must have been something negative I’d said!
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Dear readers, that’s my advice to Alfie. Do you agree/disagree? Any other suggestions for him?

2. Next up is a query from Gordon Romsey, London (left)

Dear Lola,
I desperately want to become a celebrity and earn shedloads of cash like Simon Cowell and Susan Boyle. But I don’t have any real talents. I can’t sing, act, cook or play football. In fact, I can’t do anything. Should I just give up?

Dear Gordon,
No, certainly not! Simply go on Reality TV (below) and utter foul-mouthed obscenities! You’ll become an overnight success!

Dear readers, that’s my advice to Gordon. Do you agree?

Well, mes chers lecteurs, sadly that’s all we have time for today! But remember, if you have any problems or queries you’d like me to respond to, don’t hesitate to let me know (or my PA, Nora) in the COMMENTS BOX BELOW! However weird, outlandish, insoluble it may seem, I’ll have an answer to that Desperate Dilemma of yours! So why hesitate any longer? Go on! Write to me, Agony Aunt to the Stars, in the comments box NOW!

And now, dear readers, I’ll wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and creep back to my basket for my beauty sleep (yawn), but do help yourselves to a piece of Laduree candy (below) on your way out! And thank you so much for all your kind comments while I was away and I'm already looking forward to seeing you all again soon! And do please close that door quietly... still recovering from all these riotous Christmas parties! Where’s that expresso I asked for? (snore)

P.S. Oh, and please don’t forget to email Dear Mrs Ed with your comments about Nora’s new column!!